


I'm Fine

by shutuparthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-28 14:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutuparthur/pseuds/shutuparthur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He always said he was 'fine' even when it so far from the truth. Merlin only ever really said it to reassure everyone else, it was rarely a comfort in his own mind. It was just one of those phrases he said all too often that really lost it's meaning after a while. He didn't want their pity, so he told them that he was perfectly and utterly fine, thank you very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Honestly, I Feel Fine

**Author's Note:**

> I don't actually know for certain that of this is medically accurate so I'm just kind of going with it and doing it how I want.  
> Please comment and tell me what you think.

Scrawny, intelligent and a bit too sarcastic; that was Merlin Emrys. He was fourteen years old with a bright future ahead of him, brilliant at most things, excelled in art and physics and took an intense liking to his father's work in architecture but there was also the issue of his health. Many people would see Merlin and think he was a bit too skinny, he needed to eat more or that his face was a bit skeletal because his lips were too big and his cheekbones too prominent but that's just the way he was. On the other hand, he hadn't been eating as much lately because the doctor's had found a growth in his brain. They told him and his parents that it's probably just a benign tumour and that they'll check up on it in a while, but that did nothing to ease his nerves that it  _might just be cancer_.

Merlin refused to tell anyone except his best friend Will why he'd been off school for a week, told them all he had the flu but he was fine now. Teachers asked him if he was alright because they could see something was bothering him, he had bags under his eyes his hair was even messier than usual he obviously wasn't sleeping and his skin which was usually pretty much perfect, was breaking out everywhere. What was he supposed tell them?  _'I'm a fourteen going on fifteen year old with a brain tumour that might be cancer'_ so he left it alone and carried on saying he was just a bit tired from the whole flu nonsense and then proceeded to put on a brave face.

* * *

He was in year eleven the next time he went for a scan, not even half way through the school year and the news hit him like a shit ton of bricks. He took the day off school and went to the dreary hospital where all the people went to die, he put on the ugly gown that showed his arse but he convinced them to let him keep his boxers on. So he lay down on the cold table and they moved him into the terrifying contraption that was about to scan his brain…again. Only this time they didn't say it was benign.

The doctor, who seemed like a bit of a prick sat down in front of Merlin and put a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder before offering his most sympathetic smile which was quite obviously so very well rehearsed. He looked Merlin dead in the eye and said "I'm very sorry Merlin but the tumour we thought was benign has shown signs of being cancerous."

So Merlin just stared at him stoically and said "marvellous"

Now his mother was crying, dad was trying to be strong and they were going to have to tell Merlin's sister, Freya when she got home from school. Merlin had told his parents not to let her come to the hospital with them just in case it was bad news. Once again he was right.

Freya got home a bit early and ran straight to Merlin, he looked down at her. She was only three years younger but she was quite a bit shorter than him. Merlin had gotten the black hair like his father but Freya, she was beautiful with mousy brown hair and big blue eyes and really she was the spitting image of their mother which their father never failed to remind her of.

Her eyes shone with worry and Merlin sat her down on his bed and grabbed her hand. He hadn't said a word yet and already he could see the tears forming in her eyes. Sighing, he squeezed her hand and brought her into a warm hug where she let loose with her tears that were staining her cheeks. "W-what did they say?"

"The tumour they thought was benign has shown signs of being cancerous as told by the prick doctor who pretends to be your friend."

"He's only doing his job though I suppose. Did he say anything else?"

"No he didn't"

"What's going to happen now?" She sobbed.

"I don't know bumcheek, I really do not know." She shoved him playfully and sniffed.

"Don't call me that."

"I've always called you that, and I always will."

"I know"

"I love you bumcheek, I hope you know that"

"I know you do dipstick"

* * *

Merlin took another week off of school and just used the excuse of family troubles, that way no one would bother him about it. After that he decided that for as long as he can, he would knuckle down and get his work done, he'd get good GCSEs and maybe if he lived that long get into sixth form or college and maybe go to university. He knew it was probably a bit far-fetched but right now he was going to concentrate on his exams and make his parents proud.

Year eleven went by without incident, the tumour grew but Merlin took his meds like a good boy and carried on the way he was. He didn't tell anyone except Will but his parents told the school just to let them know why Merlin was in and out of classes. He told the teachers not to mention it in front of anyone. He would roll his eyes when the teachers or nurses told him he was so brave and strong. Really though, he didn't feel brave or strong he felt like shit constantly because he didn't know when he was going to die and honestly he just wished sometimes that it would happen just to get it all over with. Not that he would ever tell another living soul, so he put on his best smile and told them he was fine.

Results day came and he got what he'd worked for. A's in Biology, Chemistry, Maths. B's in French and English and of course A* in Physics and art. Sixth form was open to him, it wasn't even a pity thing, he genuinely deserved it and he couldn't be happier.

* * *

When he was sixteen and about three weeks away from going into year twelve the doctors told him that he was eligible for surgery. He couldn't help but feel overjoyed because if he had this surgery then that would be it. He wouldn't have to suffer any more but he could get on with his life without being in and out of hospital constantly so as soon as they told him, he jumped at the idea and begged them to do it as soon as possible. Which they did.

The only downside Merlin found was that the doctor said to him. "Now Merlin, this surgery will help, but sometimes the tumour can come back so this might just end up being an extension but we promise you we will do everything we can to help you. You'll be having chemo as well so you'll miss school for a while, is that okay?"

To which he just replied "I don't care if it's just an extension, I just want to get through school and university. I want to live my life even if it's just a little bit before I die. So yes this is fine please just do it."

And they did and he had never been happier. Chemo lasted a few months; he stayed in the hospital while his immune system was down. The school was informed and were quite understanding but even when he wasn't there he told them not to tell anyone. The last thing he wanted was a pity party from a bunch of people who he either didn't know or didn't like. His parents brought in tutors so that Merlin was up to date on his school work. Will came to visit once a week, they'd play video games and Will would tell Merlin about what's been going on at school.

A few months later he was let home, back to school and he was actually rather excited. His mother fussed over him and he just batted her hands away but when he saw the worry on her face he just hugged her and told her he'd be fine.

"Mum, I'll be fine okay? If I need anything I'll ring you but please stop worrying."

Merlin had grown a lot since the end of year eleven and now he wasn't so scrawny looking. His lips and cheekbones fit his face and actually he was quite attractive, there was a slight issue with his ears; they were still huge but he didn't much care. A few girls looked at him as he walked through the hallway with Will and Freya who were both giddy. No one apart from his family knew he was gay, they didn't really care to be honest. As long as he was happy.

Freya had cried her eyes out when she found out Merlin was going in for surgery. She hugged him and gave him her good luck bracelet, even f that does sound a bit tacky, he was more than grateful. Then when he started chemo and his hair began to fall out, he told her it was okay to laugh and she did. Her sweet little laugh turned into a breathy cackle and Merlin couldn't help his laughter either.

Now he was bald but his parents had gotten a wig made especially so that it looked exactly like his natural hair, even the messiness of it was spot on. He knew it must have cost a fortune but his parents just smiled and kissed him on the head and told him he was worth it.

They weren't poor by any means, Balinor had his architecture business and they made a fortune from that. Big businesses hiring them to design and build their multi-million pound offices and such. That didn't mean Merlin liked them spending hundreds of pounds on him just because he didn't want people to know he was bald.

Much like his mother though, his teachers fussed over him to his utter dismay but he shrugged it off and told them to leave it alone because he really was fine now. A few people gave him weird looks, but that was to be expected when you spend four months out of school and come back quite good looking isn't it? They think you've had plastic surgery, they don't assume that puberty was actually the culprit.

Despite the fact Merlin hadn't actually been at school he was ahead of most of his peers and top of his class in Physics which meant his parents had splashed out on the best tutors.

* * *

A levels flew by and Merlin somehow was accepted into Cambridge to do architecture and physics. He was the only one from his year going there, some were a tad jealous but the majority of people patted him on the back and told him he deserved it. His parents were overjoyed at one point he though his mother might faint, his father beamed with pride and Freya, well Freya screamed. Will was a lot more reserved, he smiled broadly and gave his friend a hug and told him that he was so proud.

Of course Merlin was excited but at the same time he was shit scared. His parents got him a flat near the campus because he thought it'd be better for him so he didn't have to share a room, he didn't really mind either way nevertheless he thanked his parents profusely for about two weeks. They just shrugged it off. Will insisted on helping him move in before he went up to Manchester and he stayed with Merlin for a couple of days to help him settle in.

After Will left Merlin sat on his sofa staring around his new flat smiling like a freak and he was really glad no one could see him. Then his phone began to ring and scared the ever living crap out of him.

"Hi sweetheart, how are you doing? Have you settled in? Is everything unpacked? Have you been eating?"

"Mum, calm down I'm fine, yes I'm settled in, I have a few boxes of clothes to unpack and I have been eating."

"Good, Freya misses you."

"I'm sure she does."

"I'll put her on hang on." There was a muffled conversation before the sweet voice chirped on the other end.

"Hiya dipstick."

"Hey bumcheek, you alright?"

"Yeah I'm pretty good just enjoying the peace and quiet without you here."

"Oi you cheeky shit, you were the one who would run around screaming."

"Stop with these accusations you fiend."

"Shut up, need I remind you that when you were eight you ran around in your underwear, covered yourself in paint and glitter shouting about the fact you were the second coming of Jesus."

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THAT! I WAS ON PAIN RELIEF FROM MY ROOT CANAL!"

Merlin was laying on the sofa clutching his stomach and laughing so much he was crying and he could hear Freya cackling on the other end.

"Christ I'm sorry but that always makes me laugh."

"I know, you cruel boy. Speaking of which, have you met any hot guys yet?"

"Freya I haven't actually started university yet. I haven't been out in two days apart from to buy shower items and food."

"Oh well tell me when you do, we can chat about them and giggle."

"God you're annoying."

"That's what little sisters are for, oh dad wants to talk to you so seeya dipstick remember to skype me."

"I will bumcheek, bye!"

"Hi Merlin."

"Hey Dad!"

"I won't keep you long I just want to know you're okay."

"I'm great dad, I cannot thank you enough."

"Don't worry about it, just make me proud son."

"I will don't you worry."

"Oh bloody hell your mother's trying to get the phone again." Merlin chuckled "So I'll see you when I see you. Have fun and work hard okay?"

"Okay dad"

"Merlin! Sweetheart I just remembered something!"

"Yes mum?"

"Remember to ring me at least once a week and eat properly!"

"You know I will"

"And if you see uncle Gaius around tell him we said hello."

"Of course mother, now I need to go and finish unpacking because I have my first day tomorrow"

"Okay darling, have a good day and good luck! We all love you."

"I love you too, bye"

* * *

Everything was unpacked, his bag was ready and his clothes for tomorrow were hung up on the wardrobe door and now he was starving. He grabbed a pack of cheese and onion walkers and buttered some bread. Crisp sandwiches were always his favourite because whenever his mum was working and his dad had to make the packed lunches for school he would always just make Merlin and Freya a crisp sandwich for lack of culinary skill. The first time he tried one he thought it was the most magnificent thing and he still does. His mother hated it though, whenever Merlin made himself one she'd turn her nose up at it and tell him it was revolting.

In the morning he woke up, had a shower, got dressed, ate his breakfast and had a cup of steaming coffee before prepping himself for the day ahead. His gut was churning and his palms were sweating and then his phone buzzed in his hand making him jump.

'Mum: Good luck today sweetheart, you'll do great!'

Merlin smiled at the message and put his phone into his pocket, he finished his coffee just as his buzzer went off. He went over to it wondering who it would be and pressed the button.

"Hello?"

"Merlin, its Gaius. Your mother asked me to get you to your first class."

"Oh right, do you want to come up?"

"No its fine just hurry up I've got medical students to attend to."

"Okay"

As quick as he could he brushed his teeth, grabbed his bag and his keys and ran downstairs to meet Gaius who was waiting by the door. He smiled at Merlin and he could tell the boy was nervous despite his chipper attitude.

"There's no need to be nervous Merlin honestly. As long as you get your work in on time and don't misbehave you'll be fine."

"Thank you uncle Gaius"

Gaius wasn't really Merlin's uncle, just a close family friend who'd always been there for Merlin and Freya when they needed him. So really he was family and Merlin didn't care that they weren't related by blood. They'd always been treated like they Gaius' own because he loved them like they were. When Merlin found out he was going to Cambridge he rang the man as soon as he heard and Gaius told him how proud he was and that he couldn't wait for him to get here. Gaius was a doctor, a very talented one at that but he worked at Cambridge as a Medical Professor and he was brilliant at it, all his students loved him and he got the best results.

They walked in comfortable silence to the college Merlin would be studying at and he thanked his uncle for his help, who then proceeded to pat him on the back and wish him good luck before disappearing down the road.

* * *

Merlin looked around, there was no one he knew obviously but how the hell had he gotten into Cambridge? Maybe it was a pity thing? He didn't know but what he did know was that there was an attractive blond walking about three foot away from him with his…girlfriend maybe? Hopefully not.

Merlin went up to him and the girl and outstretched his hand with a smile and chirped "hi I'm Merlin are new too?" The boy just stared at him and a smirk grew in his lips, his really rather kissable lips.

"Merlin? Your name is Merlin?" He said in utter disbelief.

Merlin instantly took his hand back and suddenly found his shoes to be a lot more interesting.

"Arthur shut the fuck up" it was the girl and she'd placed a hand on Merlin's shoulder "ignore him Merlin he's just grumpy because he's tired, but hey I think fate has brought you two together"

Merlin blushed and the boy-Arthur- spoke again "what on earth are you talking about Morgana?"

"It's like you two were made to be friends come on… Arthur and Merlin, really you don't see that?" Arthur just looked blankly at her but Merlin smiled slightly before the other boy rolled his eyes and walked off.

"I'm sorry about him Merlin"

"It's fine really it's not like he knows me so it doesn't matter"

"Still I think you'd be good friends. You and I would be too, what're you studying?"

"Physics and architecture"

"Ah so you'll be in a couple of my classes then maybe"

"Are you a first year?"

"No I'm a second year but I have to go to a few different lectures sometimes but my dear little brother is a first year"

"Will he be in any of my classes?"

"I'm afraid not, he's law and economics much to his dismay"

"Whys that?"

"He wanted to do architecture and history but father adamantly refused"

"Oh"

"Oh, indeed, he'll be brilliant at law he'll still manage top of his class but his heart will never be in it really. Anyway enough about us" She grabbed his arm and began walking "what got you into architecture?"

"My father as well but it's actually something I love with a passion; I was always fond of art as well."

"Has your father ever built anything famous?"

"Apart from a multimillion corporation headquarters for snobby rich guys no, nothing uber famous although he's made a decent living from it all. There was one a few months ago actually which paid a fortune, the guy had a weird name but the business was huge."

"What was the corporation?"

"I can't remember something to do with pens or dragons I've no idea why?"

"Would your father happen to be Balinor Emrys?"

"How did you know?"

"Your father built my father's HQ and I met him, he mentioned his son and I thought I recognised the name Merlin, you don't get many Merlin's do you?"

"Oh wow sorry I called your dad a snobby rich guy"

"No need to apologise Merlin you were spot on. I'll show you to your first class."

Arthur and Morgana Pendragon. They seemed, at first, like snobs who only cared about themselves and who lived out of Daddy's bank account and with Arthur, Merlin was still pretty sure this was the case but Morgana was different. Morgana was beautiful and evidently she knew it but she wasn't obnoxious and arrogant in the way you would expect.

She was charming, elegant, smart, witty and down to earth and she actually cared, she was just someone you could fall in love with and Merlin did. He wasn't attracted to her because let's face it, she's not a bloke but that's why her and Merlin became best friends after about three hours. Arthur on the other hand still acted like that beautiful smarmy rich boy that you'd expect him to be but for some reason Merlin couldn't help the infatuation he had for the boy and that was a problem.

* * *

The first week flew by, Merlin and Morgana had a few lectures together and she helped him understand some architectural terminology but other than that he was pretty much on his own. Occasionally he would see Arthur strutting around with his friend sneering at anyone who got in their way. Merlin hated the fact he had a crush on a grade A dickhead. He was beautiful, intelligent and he could be wonderful if he didn't treat everyone like they were scum.

Friday night and Merlin was absolutely knackered. Morgana came over with Gwen and Mithian and made herself at home in his living room. Merlin like that about her, he liked that even after only a week she was comfortable enough to put her feet on his coffee table and slouch into the sofa and demand the TV remote.

"Merlin my darling."

"mmm?"

"There's a party tonight, you know just a 'we passed the first week' celebration thing. Do you want to go?" Merlin froze because he'd never been one for parties. He liked to drink sure but he never really could because of his meds and really he didn't really want to go to a party, he was too tired but he didn't want Morgana to think he was a loser and leave him to be a loner. Despite his conflict he told the truth, if Morgana didn't accept him then well she wasn't worth the time.

"Actually uh I don't really do parties, sorry."

"Okay, that's cool. I wasn't sure. I don't particularly like them

"Really?"

"Yeah, what were you expecting me to say? That you're a loser who doesn't drink so I'm leaving you and I no long want to associate myself with you?"

"Kind of yeah."

"You are a sausage aren't you? I usually just go to keep an eye on Arthur and show my face, I don't really enjoy them."

"Oh right…how do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Read me like a book"

"I don't know I just can. What do you want to watch?"

"I'm feeling the Avengers? So we can gawk at hot guys in tight costumes."

The girls cheered and got comfy on the floor while Merlin grabbed the phone and ordered Chinese. He pulled a six pack of beer out of the fridge and put it on the coffee table, Mithian looked up and chuckled "You really know how to have a night in don't you Merls?"

He just shrugged and said "It's a gift really."


	2. Don't Be Such A Dick

On Saturday morning they all woke up with crooked necks and Gwen had managed somehow to get a noodle in her curly brown hair much to Morgana’s amusement.

Morgana, who still looked fabulous, stretched and cracked her knuckles before jumping up and skipping to the bathroom, the other three just lay there and groaned. Five minutes later Morgana poked her head around the door and shouted “Merlin can I use your shower?”

“Don’t shout you wretched girl! It’s too early!”

“Answer my question then!”

“Yes, towels are in the cupboard by the door”

“Thanks love”

Merlin decided it was now probably time to force himself up and as he did so he shoved Mithian off the sofa and she fell onto an unsuspecting Gwen.

Half an hour later Morgana came out of the bathroom, hair tied in a ponytail and wearing one of Merlin’s t-shirts.

“Yes Morgana that’s fine you can borrow my top go ahead.”

“Sorry dear, but my top had sweet and sour sauce on it.”

“Fair enough.”

“I have to go and check on my dick of a brother, come to mine later?”

“Yep, let me get these two sorted and we’ll be over in a few hours.”

“Good boy. I’ll give you back your shirt then as well. Sorry I can’t stay.” She kissed his cheek and waved goodbye to the two bleary eyed girls sat giggling on the floor. “Ciao”

* * *

 

Morgana tried to call Arthur but unsurprisingly it went straight to voicemail so she took the liberty of letting herself into his flat where she was greeted by a wonderful sight. Leon, her boyfriend of two years and Arthurs best friend was lying on the floor with his bare arse facing the door and his face squashed against a pillow with what looked a lot like dribble across his cheek. So naturally she took a photo with her phone then snuck up behind him and slapped his arse which startled him awake. He rolled over and practically screamed to which Morgana burst out laughing.

“Fucking hell Morgs, are you trying to give me a heart attack.”

She put on her best mocking pout and leant in to kiss him. “Aw sorry baby, I just couldn’t resist. You fucking stink of booze, go and have a shower you smelly git.”

“Yes your majesty” He mock bowed and went into the bathroom.

Arthur came out of his room looking dishevelled and rubbing his temples.

“Ah there he is. How are feeling?”

“What do you think?”

“Alright grumpy, I’ll make you some coffee.”

“Much appreciated thank you.”

Morgana walked into the kitchen and turned the kettle on. When she looked round Arthur was staring at her shirt with a confused expression.

“Why are you looking at me like that Arthur?”

“Is that Merlin’s shirt?”

“Oh yeah it is, wait…how do you know?”

He was a bit taken aback at first but then replied “Well I know it’s not yours, it’s too small to be Leon’s and Gwen and Mithian don’t wear things like that.”

She wasn’t completely convinced but it was a reasonable explanation. “Mmhm fair enough.”

“Morgana?”

“Yes brother?”

“Did you and Merlin have sex last night?”

Morgana nearly choked on her own spit “Oh my God Arthur no! I would never do that to Leon. I dropped Chinese down my top and borrowed one of Merlin’s. Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Oh, sorry. It’s just Leon’s my best friend and I have to make sure y’know”

“I understand. Merlin’s gay anyway.”

“Oh.”

“Whatever, drink your coffee. Are you coming over to mine later for dinner?”

“Yeah I will.”

“Good, right I’m off.” She ran into the bathroom and shouted to Leon. “Bye sweet-cheeks! I’ll see you later, love you!” Then she left and the place was quiet again.

 

* * *

Merlin was having great difficulty getting Mithian to move and Gwen wasn’t much help because she was just stood in the kitchen laughing at the two. Merlin looked up to scowl at her but Mithian took that as her opportunity to pull him down and wrestle with him.

“Mith oh my god stop it.”

“Nope, Merlin if you can escape my death grip, I’ll behave.”

“Fuck”

For about ten minutes Merlin was wriggling and squirming around trying to free himself and by the end of it he was disappointed while Mithian was laughing her arse off and Gwen was breathless. He stood up when the girl let go and he tried to regain some dignity when he walked to his room, which failed miserably when he walked into the door frame making the two girls laugh even harder. He was pretty sure they were about to wet themselves.

Gwen was first to calm down and she got Mithian to behave and they both tidied up a bit before Gwen had to leave. She walked over and quietly knocked on Merlin’s bedroom door. “Merlin…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to go now, I’m meeting Lance.”

He opened his door and came out. He smiled at the tidied living room and kitchen and thanked them both before turning to Gwen. “Okay, Mith are you going?”

“No, I’ll stay here if that’s alright with you Merly-pops.”

He rolled his eyes “That’s fine, I’ll see you later though Gwen yeah?”

“Of course you will.” They hugged and she left.

Merlin plonked himself down next to Mithian and she stared at him and smiled wickedly. He turned his head slowly to meet her gaze.

“The fuck are you looking at?”

“You fancy Arthur don’t you?” That took Merlin by surprise. He definitely had not expected her to say that. _‘How obvious is it?’_ He thought.

“Of course not you fool” he scoffed.

“Merlin it’s a plain as the nose on your face that you’ve got the hots for Pendragon the younger.”

“That’s absurd”

“No it’s really not. It’s okay you know, I went through the same thing. We’re friends now and it’s cool I suppose although if you see us winking at each other and flirting, try not get jealous will you. That’s just the way we are with each other.”

“o-okay.”

She smiled and kissed his cheek before jumping up. “Right I’m going back to mine to get changed, I’ll be back in a bit.”

“You live with Morgana why not just stay there?”

“Because my young friend.”

“I’m a year younger than you”

“She’ll either be having sex with Leon or she’ll be cooking and neither of those things I want to witness.”

“Why don’t you want to see her cooking.”

“She sings and dances when she cooks and she turns into Gordon fucking Ramsay.”

“Oh right fair enough.”

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Bye”

* * *

 

Merlin couldn’t be bothered to do anything but thought it best to shower and get changed, maybe finish tidying up a bit and do as much homework as could before Mithian came back.

Time flew by as he worked, he spent a least an hour on his physics paper whilst listening to horrible peppy music that hurt his head but couldn’t find it in him to turn it off because it was so damn catchy. He was so engrossed in what he was writing that he didn’t hear his door open or Mithian sneaking up behind him.

She pounced on him scaring the shit out him causing tea to spill all over his jeans. She was on the floor crying of laughter once again before Merlin had time to look at her.

“You’re a cruel human being you know that right?”

“Yep. Now come on we better go.”

“Well, let me change first.”

“Right.”

Merlin walked back into his room and pulled off his jeans and chucked them in the linen basket then wriggled into another pair. Dark blue and to be honest they were a bit tight on his bum, he’d only worn them once. When he came out Mithian was sat on the sofa reading a magazine with her feet up looking perfectly at home. She looked up at him, her brown eyes sparkled and she smiled.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Merlin put on his jacket, grabbed his phone and keys and followed Mithian out. She linked their arms and leant against him as they walked. When he looked round she looked deep in thought and contemplative.

“What’s the matter Mith?”

“Have you considered having a roommate?”

“Why?”

“Because well, I like your place. It’s homey and comfy and to be honest it’s a bit awkward with three of us in the flat.”

“Why’s it awkward?”

“Well Morgana spends half her time with Leon so he’s always round, he practically lives there and Gwen has Lance round a lot too and I don’t know it’s cramped and awkward sometime I guess.”

“So you want to move in with me?”

“Only if it’s alright with you, I don’t want to put you under pressure or force you to do something you don’t want to do.”

“Mithian, it’s fine honestly. It’s not like we’d be sleeping in the same room. I’d love you to live with me.”

“Merlin you’re the best! And I promise when you bring back boys to have loud gay sex with I’ll go out or something.”

“Steady on there, girl. Let’s take this one step at a time. I doubt I’ll be bringing anyone home any time soon.”

“Oh hush, any guy would be lucky to have you.” She looked at him suggestively and winked “Including Arthur.”

“Honestly Mith, Arthur doesn’t like me. Not least in a romantic way so there’s no point pushing the subject.”

“I bet you want him to push your subject.”

“OH MY GOD MITHIAN!”

Before they walked in they heard Morgana belting out Bohemian Rhapsody, expecting to walk in and startle her Merlin opened the door. Much to his disappointment, she just smiled and waved at them. Even more to his surprise Gwen, Lance and Leon were already there trying to watch TV. Every now and again they would have to increase the volume to drown out Morgana’s insatiable singing.

Merlin and Mithian sat down on the chairs and Merlin hadn’t actually met Lance and Leon yet so he smiled nervously at them and awkwardly sat down, staring at his hands that were rested on his knees.

“Oh shit I forgot sorry.” Mithian gestured to Leon and Lance. “Leon, Lance this is Merlin, he’s gay and can drink the both of you under the table. Merlin this is Leon and Lance. They’re tall and muscular because they go to the gym which they have forced me to join against my will.”

The three men sat there stunned at her bluntness while Mithian just smiled and turned back to the TV and Gwen giggled into her hand. Morgana drifted in mumbling and checking her phone, texting someone but Merlin had no idea who.

“Oh Morgy-pie” Mithian chirped.

“Yes?”

“I’m moving in with Merls.” Morgana looked at her friend sceptically and turned to Merlin.

“Is she telling the truth?”

“She is.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with that?”

“I am.”

“Then okay. I’ll help you pack when you want me to. Dinners ready in a minute.”

They all stood up and moved into the kitchen come dining area and sat down. When the door went Morgana slowly walked over and opened it. She did not look impressed. Merlin couldn’t see who was at the door, but he heard Morgana talking.

“You’re late. Go and sit down. You can help me wash up after dinner.”

* * *

 

Arthur walked in to the dining room and froze. He hadn’t realised that everyone would be here, least of all Merlin. He wasn’t sure why but he didn’t like being around the man. He felt queasy and insecure whenever he was and he wasn’t sure why he felt like that so he covered it up. He put on his confident act and made remarks about Merlin which he regretted and wanted to apologise for but somehow never could bring himself to do.

* * *

 

A month and a half went by quickly. Mithian had moved in, Morgana would help Merlin if he didn’t understand anything. He rang his parents once a week. Every weekend he and the girls would have movie night and then the following day they’d all have dinner at Morgana and Gwen’s. For some reason though, it was always tense when Arthur got there (usually late). He would come in, smile and then even before he’d sat down he would insult Merlin. Then everyone would look at each other while Merlin stared at his food.

He didn’t hate Arthur, he really didn’t but he just wanted to understand why the man hated him. Technically Merlin hadn’t actually done anything to make Arthur hate him so much and that was why he found it so strange that every time they’d see each other Arthur would sneer at him and make some comment on his appearance or his name or just _something._ At first he thought it was just a defence mechanism, against what exactly he didn’t know but after a few weeks he realised that something was up.

On Halloween, they were all getting ready for a party. Merlin let himself be dragged along as long as he didn’t have to wear a stupid costume so Morgana put him in a cowboy outfit. A very tight cowboy outfit with leather trousers complete with the hat. He even had a fucking neckerchief.

Before everyone else arrived, Merlin pulled Morgana to the side and asked her about Arthur.

“Morgana?”

“Uhuh.”

“Why does Arthur hate me so much?” She looked up at him slightly puzzled.

“He doesn’t, does he?”

“Are you really that oblivious? Literally every time he sees me he says something rude to make me feel insecure or something to embarrass me, and I just want to know what I did to warrant that.”

“Christ Merlin, I had no idea it was that bad. Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No it’s fine, if you don’t know don’t worry. I don’t want to stir up trouble.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well come on everyone will be here soon so we’ll have to get going.”

Arthur, surprisingly, turned up first and not actually in his costume. Before he greeted them he stood still and stared at Merlin, who wasn’t paying attention. Arthur’s eyes flickered to the man’s leather clad behind and he smirked before Morgana batted him on the arm. When he came to his senses he turned to his sister.

“I hate you Morgana, I really do.”

“Why, what have I done?”

“A knight? Really?”

“What are you- oh shit you weren’t meant to get the knight.”

“Why?”

“Hold on a second.” She ran down the corridor into Gwen’s room, leaving Merlin and Arthur alone. In the same room. Together. They just stood and stared at one another before Merlin coughed and walked into the kitchen. When Morgana came back she had a bag identical to the one her brother was holding.

“Here you go, Lance had your one. Now go get changed we’re leaving in soon.”

He came back dressed in chainmail, a long red cape, he held a shield with a yellow dragon and a sword. But he also wore a crown. Morgana beamed at him and Merlin’s jaw went slack. He looked _glorious._

“I’m a genius.”

“Who am I meant to be anyway?”

Before Morgana could reply Merlin spoke: “King Arthur of Camelot you clotpole, how is that not obvious?”

Morgana looked round and smirked, Merlin sat wide eyed and went to apologise but when he looked up Arthur was staring at him intently.

“What, Merlin, is a ‘clotpole’ please do tell me.”

“I don’t know it’s a Shakespearean insult. I think it like stupid dick but I’m not sure.”

“Right so you’re using Shakespearean on me now are you?”

“We’ve never actually had a proper conversation Arthur because whenever we see one another you insult me and never properly talk to me.”

“What’s your problem Merlin?”

“MY PROBLEM? Are you fucking kidding me? My problem Arthur is that you don’t even know me and yet you find it perfectly acceptable to take the piss out of me and not even subtly either. You come in and you smirk with you perfect face and then you proceed to make remarks on my appearance, my name, what I’m eating. Anything you fancy commenting on. So fucking excuse me for making one tiny comment on something that is blatantly obvious you pompous prick.”

Morgana laid a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. “Merlin calm down okay?”

“Sorry Morgana, I think I’m going to go home. You have fun tonight.” He scowled at Arthur who still looked stunned and then walked out, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

 

When he got home he collapsed onto his bed and cried. He felt pathetic and stupid, crying over a boy and yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. He forced himself up so he could change into his pyjamas then he went and made himself a sandwich and watched Halloween Town on Disney channel because despite Morgana’s criticisms, it was a brilliant film.

Curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea and a bowl of popcorn was how Merlin was spending his Halloween night, until the door started knocking. He paused the film and muttered obscenities as he padded in his fluffy socks to the door. When he opened the door he was surprised to see Gwaine there. Gwaine who he had met in his physics class and who he’d become friends with. He was ruggedly handsome and had the whole crooked and endearing smile thing going on and the Irish accent. Merlin liked it.

“Morgana told me what happened.”

“Oh right”

“I came to check that you were alright.”

“I’m fine.”

And that was how they ended up having sex. Merlin guessed it was because he was upset about Arthur, Gwaine was his friend and they’d both had a bit to drink.

In the morning Merlin’s head hurt and he couldn’t really remember what had happened. He also couldn’t fathom for the life of him why there was an arm slung over his waist.

Then it hit him.

He had had sex with Gwaine. Gwaine, who was Merlin’s friend. ‘ _Oh God, what if he thinks_ _I’m easy, or if he wants a relationship. The sex was good but I don’t want to be with him, with him. Christ on a fucking bike.’_ He thought.

Gwaine started snuffling and moving and then he froze, Merlin felt him tense up and he guessed the other had come to the same realisation that he himself had come to. Gwaine sat up abruptly and looked nervously at the wall, Merlin pulled himself up at sat against the headboard. “Merlin.”

“Gwaine.”

“So we had sex last night.”

“We did.”

“I don’t want you to get the wrong impression and I’m going to sound like a dick here but I don’t want a relationship or anything.”

“Oh thank God me neither. I mean I like you Gwaine, but I don’t _like_ you.”

“The sex was good though.”

“It was.”

“We could do that again right?”

“I don’t see why not, like friends with benefits. No strings attached and we just stop if one or both of us gets into a relationship or we just want to stop.”

“Sounds good.”

“Cool, I better be going then. I’ll see you on Monday?”

“You will.”

Merlin had just agreed to casual sex. That was not something he had ever imagined himself to get into, but he wasn’t complaining. Now he had to sort himself out for when he went over to Morgana’s flat. _Would she know? Would it be obvious?_ A hundred different scenarios went through his head about what would happen. He was going to mention it in front of Arthur. He was going to make the blond boy squirm.

* * *

 

He got himself showered and dressed, made himself presentable. Tidied up what he’d left on the coffee table the night before and then he took a long stroll to Morgana and Gwen’s flat. He walked slowly through the park enjoying the nice autumn weather. It had started getting cold enough that he could wear his coat and scarf and hat. He put his hands in his pockets and buried his mouth and nose into his scarf and pulled his beanie over his ears, it was his favourite time of year. Crunchy leaves under his boots and being able to see your breath made Merlin happy and he didn’t care if people thought he sounded like a loser, he loved it.

When he got there his nose was red and his cheeks burned from the change in temperature. He jumped into the lift and strolled straight into the flat with a smile across his face. He was late and Morgana didn’t look best pleased but he offered her a sorry glance and sat down at the table.

Everyone was looking at him and he knew why. Mithian, who had stayed on Morgana’s sofa that night asked what everyone else wanted to say. “Why are you so chipper? Did you get laid last night?”

Merlin just smiled.

“You did! You sly dog, how’d you manage that?”

Merlin chuckled and looked up at Arthur who for some reason was scowling at his pasta, stabbing it violently. Then Morgana’s eyes widened as she realised.

“GWAINE?”

Everyone looked round at her sudden outburst. Merlin smirked.

“Yep.”

“Oh my god Merlin! How did that even happen? Are you two like together now. He is gorgeous well done!”

“First of all we’re not together. He came to check I was alright.” With that he sent a glare to Arthur who was focused intently on Merlin with his eyes squinting as if he was trying to set the man aflame. “Then it kind of just happened you know? It’s nothing serious we agreed a no strings attached thing. So I’m getting laid when I want without the emotional trauma of a relationship.”

The table of people sat flabbergasted. Gwen had her mouth hanging open, Lance looked to be in shock, Mithian was laughing, Arthur was still trying to set him on fire but Morgana and Leon were looking at Arthur which confused Merlin. Mithian slapped him on the shoulder. “Good on you kiddo, didn’t think you had it in you…Did you have it in you or did you top.”

“Oh my God Mithian.” Gwen deadpanned.

“It’s quite alright Gwen, yes Mith I did have it in me. In the most literal sense of the phrase and it was fucking marvellous.”

“You are my hero Merlin Emrys.”

“Thank you.”

Everyone apart from Mithian still looked a bit shocked and Merlin couldn’t blame them. He sighed and reached for his fork. “It’s about time something good happened to me I suppose.”

“Whys that Merly-pops?”

“Don’t worry.” He didn’t feel like sharing his past with anyone right now. He’d tell them at some point, he had to. They needed to know didn’t they? Even Arthur should know. But right now he just wanted to concentrate on the good thing that was happening to him.


	3. It's Christmas, its Time I Told You

Christmas came around incredibly quickly; Merlin had got used to living with Mithian despite her insatiable appetite for cheese toasties and hot chocolate that on its own could give anyone diabetes. She was fun to live with though, and Merlin loved not having an empty flat anymore, they would help each other when they needed to and Mithian was adamant they talk about boys at least once a week which Merlin didn’t actually really mind in all honesty. Although, she did demand to know things about Gwaine which Merlin was reluctant to speak about. He’d got with Gwaine a couple of times over the course of the last six weeks and he wasn’t not enjoying it. It took his mind off of his work and Arthur, with whom he was still infatuated with even though the man was an utter tool.

Arthur hadn’t actually spoken to him since the night everyone found out about Merlin and Gwaine’s agreement but occasionally Gwaine would join them all at Morgana’s for dinner on a Saturday much to Arthur’s dismay. Everyone seemed to like Gwaine, at first they were hesitant because of the man’s cocky and outgoing nature but honestly, they warmed to him and now he was a part of the group. Arthur though still hated him; he would glare whenever he made Merlin laugh, or if he touched him. Of course he hid this expertly because he didn’t know what he would do if Merlin knew he felt this way (probably hate him more?).

* * *

 

It was the twenty-first of December and Merlin was wrapped in his fluffy lined coat, a hat that covered his ears, a scarf, mittens and two pairs of socks underneath his boots. Fair to say he looked snug and Gwen would not stop cooing and aw-ing at him when he dropped round their presents. He hugged everyone, told Mithian to keep the place tidy and to stay out of his room and that he’ll be back before New Year’s. Then he grabbed his bags and waited for his taxi to the train station. It was going to be a half hour wait and then a three hour long journey on the train so he grabbed his iPod and his copy of ‘ _The Hobbit’(_ because let’s face it, that is a marvellous book) and he read it while he waited.

Time flew by as he became engrossed in the words and before he knew it he was sat snug against a window with hardly anyone on his carriage. For a while he carried on reading before he began to feel tired so Merlin seized the opportunity to take a break. Merlin closed his eyes and let the songs fill his head and before long he was asleep and dreaming of blond hair and beautiful blue eyes, a strong jaw and a broad chest. He woke up just before the woman over the speaker told him his stop was next.

When Merlin stood up and stretched his gangly arms, his back cricked and the woman in the row next to him gave an annoyed look, he simply smiled apologetically before grabbing his backpack and suitcase and heading to the door. Even before he had got off the train he heard his mother excitedly shouting him over. Freya was standing next to her beaming, her smile glowed and Merlin couldn’t help but send back a huge gummy grin.

As he walked over Freya practically ran toward him, launching herself forward for a hug causing him to drop his bag. She hugged him firmly and he held her just as tight. Their father walked over with a tray of hot drinks and smiled affectionately when he saw his children. Their mother on the other hand was basically crying and Merlin had to prise Freya off so he could hug his parents.

“Hi mum, hi dad.”

“Oh Merlin sweetheart, we’ve missed you, you look well. Oh I am proud”

“mum, come on. Its freezing and I’ve missed your cooking. Mith’s food isn’t bad but it’s nothing like yours.”

“Ah yes, do tell us all about Mithian, she seems like a lovely girl.”

“I’m still gay mum”

“I know I know”

It wasn’t hard, not really, to get back into the routine of being at home with his mother fussing over everyone and everything. His father would spend half the day in his office drawing up plans for a new project he’s got and Freya would sit in her room doing whatever teenage girls do. _Probably doing satanic rituals trying to summon celebrities_ he thought and chuckled out loud because frankly he thought himself to be oh so hilarious earning a confused glance from his mother because he was sitting on the sofa on his phone, the TV wasn’t on so naturally his mother thought he was texting a boy. Typical.

She came scuttling over with a dishcloth in her hand and an apron on. Leaning over the back of the sofa and resting her chin on Merlin’s shoulder she murmured “Who’re you texting sweetheart, what’s his name?”

He let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. “I’m not texting a boy mum, its Morgana making sure I got home safely and I was laughing at my own joke.”

“All right all right no need to get defensive.” She said teasingly. Then she went back into the kitchen and did whatever chore she had embarked on now. Merlin sighed again and leant back into the cushions, he felt a little restless so he stood up, shook himself a little and walked into the kitchen.

“Mum do you want to make some cakes?”

“Aren’t you a little bit old to be making cakes with your old mum?”

“Never.”

“Rightyo then, get the flour.”

So for the rest of the day while everyone else was being anti-social, Merlin and Hunith were in the kitchen making cakes (or in Merlin’s case, getting flour all over him). His mother couldn’t help but laugh adoringly at Merlin’s flour speckled face and hair and then Freya came in, laughed and took a picture of him before he could protest and then she ran upstairs cackling all the way leaving Merlin grumbling under his breath.

“Oh stop being grumpy, if she puts it on the internet well it doesn’t matter. Little sisters are supposed to torment you.”

He folded his arms and pouted, just as he did when he was four but Hunith didn’t break. Instead she picked up the bowl of buttercream and dabbed him on the nose with it making him smile and laugh.

* * *

 

For Merlin, the next few days went far too quickly. On Christmas-eve he and Freya spent the day making Christmas cookies and gingerbread while they persuaded their mother to take a break. Just as before though Merlin managed to get himself absolutely covered in flour and icing sugar to which Freya found hilarious. They ended up having a fight using wooden spoons and various cake mixtures. Hunith was not impressed to say the least. They simply smiled guiltily and gave her their best puppy-dog face. Fair to say they didn’t win that one and were made to clean up the mess. By the end of it however, they had made about a hundred biscuits and Freya insisted they decorate them perfectly, so that took an extra three hours. Excluding the time it took for the biscuits to cool down enough.

Merlin slept easily that night and in the morning he was eager and ready to bring on the festivities. Freya ran in his room, jumped on him and despite him being eighteen years of age and Freya being fifteen they still had Christmas stocking loaded with little presents and sweets. They both sat on Merlin’s bed giggling over their little trinkets and covering the floor with wrapping paper. He stood up and poked his head out of the door and when he came in he had a wicked grin plastered across his face.

“It is time, young one, for the festivities to begin. We must awake the birth-giver and the bearded one.” He said this in a deep regal voice and Freya burst out laughing.

“Then, my lord, we must not delay or else they shall rise before we complete our mission.”

They nodded at one another and padded through the hallway to their parents’ room. “On the count of three” He reached for the door handle “One.”

He pulled it down as quietly as possible. “Two.” He paused and started pushing it open “THREE!” He shouted and they ran in, Freya jumping on the bed and Merlin singing ‘ _Jingle Bells’_ their parents grumbled and Balinor covered his face with the duvet cover but it was obvious he was laughing.

Merlin skipped downstairs into the kitchen. He turned the kettle on and took out four mugs and made his special hot chocolate that was only reserved for Christmas morning. A few minutes later they were all sat around the fireplace, Freya by the tree, Hunith with her feet over Balinor’s lap and Merlin on the floor in front of the coffee table in his fluffy blue socks and his reindeer pyjamas nursing his hot chocolate and then the doorbell rang which only meant one thing.

Merlin smiled and hauled himself up. He walked over to the door and when he opened it he smiled so wide that his cheeks hurt. Will and his family were there as per the usual Christmas tradition, after all they were family really. They walked in and Will’s mother gave Merlin a huge hug and a kiss on his cheek before they all made their way into the living room.

* * *

 

The day was perfect and so were the next five. They all ate mince pies and drank sherry but before they realised, it was December 30th and Merlin had to go back up to Cambridge. He packed up his things again and put on his warmest clothes and at four p.m his parents gave him a lift to the train station.

“I wish you could stay long darling.”

“Me too mum but I kind of want to spend New Year’s with my friends sorry”

“Oh pish posh don’t apologise, I know what you mean.”

“Thanks”

“It’s alright, now before you go. Be careful, don’t get into trouble and if you need anything don’t hesitate to call whatever the hour may be.”

“I love you mum” He hugged her and she held him tighter. “I’ll miss you”

“Well I’m only a phone call away, stay safe” He smiled and then turned to his dad who smiled back at him then hugged him tightly.

Freya hugged him ferociously and kissed his cheek. “Don’t be annoyed when you check Facebook” she whispered before he pulled back and narrowed his eyes at her. His mother fussed over him and told him to go before he missed his train. It wasn’t busy so he got a window seat and he waved at his parents and sister as he sped away.

* * *

 

Everyone cheered when Merlin trudged through the door of his flat red faced and shivering. He dropped his backpack to the floor and Mithian took his suitcase and escorted him to his room where she embraced him and told him she had missed him which made a smile creep onto his stiff face. He had a hot shower and emptied his bags, hanging up his new jumpers and jeans. He realised though that had left his backpack by the front door and before he even registered that he will still in just a towel he exited his room and went straight into the lounge.

Mithian and Morgana both wolf-whistled which made him blush slighted when he realised what he was wearing. He stood up and looked at the stunned faces in front of him. “Don’t mind me, just left my bag in here.”

Morgana was smirking, Leon had an eyebrow raised, Gwen was giggling into her cardigan sleeve, Mithian had just turned back to the TV, Elyan was shocked and Arthur…well Arthur seemed to be in a daze. His eyes looked like they were bugging out their sockets and his mouth was hanging open. Merlin blushed, his face turned crimson and he shuffled back down the hallway into his room.

* * *

 

On New Year’s Eve the bunch of friends spent the day buying booze and snacks. Instead of going to a massive bash they decided they would have their own V.I.P party that only consisted of Merlin, Arthur, Mithian, Morgana, Leon, Gwen, Elyan, Gwaine, Lance and Percival. So the ten of them at eleven o’clock that night had ‘ _New Year’s Eve’_ on the TV and Morgana prepared the countdown.

 Not everyone had someone to kiss apart from the two lucky couples so at Midnight Mithian drunkenly grabbed Merlin’s face and kissed him sloppily making both of them burst into hysterical drunk laughter which seemed to be contagious for the rest of the lonely people who were not passionately playing tonsil tennis on the sofa. For a moment Merlin and Arthur locked eyes and Arthur looked slightly upset if Merlin hadn’t known better. He had no time to question it though before Mithian had hauled him up and they were back to watching the film.

Once everyone had sobered up at about noon they all sat drinking coffee.

“So any New Year’s resolution?” Gwen said excitedly.

“I’m still working on it” Elyan stated.

“I think I might just stop defying father so much” Arthur said meekly

“Arthur” Morgana said flatly “That’s a shit one, you would never be able to do that.”

“Gana, I’ve disappointed him enough so I might as well stop being such a failure.”

“Seriously? Arthur you being gay does not equate to you being a failure. I don’t care what father says so shut the fuck up and make a new resolution.”

Merlin sat stunned, _how long had Arthur been gay? Does everyone else know?_ He thought. Then he heard Mithian ask him what his resolution is.

“I guess it’s to tell you all about a slight issue that I’ve been ignoring but since I can trust you all I should probably tell you.”

The room was silent for a while before Merlin breathed in heavily and exhaled slowly.

“Right so uh I’m not going to do this gracefully because I’m not very at words but yeah…I had cancer, brain tumour to be exact and I would have died. But because doctors are wonderful I had it surgically removed a year or so ago and then went through chemo. I was bald but my hair grew back and now I don’t have cancer. Ta-dah!”

Half the room was sat with their mouths agape, Gwen had tears in her eyes and Mithian was holding her hand in front of her mouth.  “Merlin” Morgana whispered “Merlin, are you being serious right now?”

“I am, this isn’t some sick twisted joke Morgana. I genuinely did have cancer.”

“Oh my God Merlin, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know why you’re saying sorry. It’s gone. It might come back but it might not and honestly I just want to get through university okay? So that’s the only secret I’ve hidden from you and now you know. So please don’t ask if I’m fine because I am and even if I’m not I’ll say that I am. You’re my closest friends and I trust you alright. Just don’t go telling people I’m the cancer kid. I never even told anyone when I was at school. Other than Will of course.”

“Who’s Will?” Arthur asked a little too quickly.

Merlin was a bit taken aback “My friend…best friend, actually more like my brother. Why, jealous?”

“Why would I be jealous you idiot?”

“Calm down princess I was only teasing” Arthur huffed and slouched back into the chair, Merlin focused a scowl on the blond man and everyone else in the room looked at each other as if they all knew something Merlin and Arthur didn’t.

“Happy Birthday by the way Merls” Mithian sang and then everyone joined in with a drunken rendition of the birthday song at which Merlin could not contain his laughter.

* * *

 

After that the year went by a bit too fast for anyone’s liking. Gwaine and Merlin hooked up now and again. Arthur went back to being a conceited little prat who made Merlin feel like constant shit. Neither one would back down; they never acted civil toward one another.

One night in about mid-June, when Merlin was sulking in his room Mithian went over to Morgana and Gwen’s when the two were there by themselves.

“I’ve had enough.” She boomed when she walked in. Morgana was in the kitchen and Gwen looked at the girl quizzically.

“What are you on about?”

“Merlin and Arthur! For fuck’s sake when are they going to realise they have feelings other than hatred toward one another. I mean seriously they’re so fucking in love and it is so obvious. Everyone knows it apart from them.” She gasped in a breath “If I have to listen to another rant about how obnoxious Arthur is I am going to set them both alight.”

“Alright Mith, calm down we’ll figure something out I swear.”

“Can I stay here tonight while Merlin sulks please?”

“Of course you can.”

* * *

 

Merlin couldn’t actually believe how quickly his first year rolled through and when his exams came and went he was relieved to have the summer to do nothing. He felt calm but something had been niggling at the back of his mind for quite some time now. It was the end of July and Merlin thought incredibly hard about what was bothering him. Then it hit him…Gwaine. He and Gwaine were friends with benefits. He had no feelings for the man other than the fact they were friends and he didn’t think he ever would. He was pretty sure Gwaine felt the same way so why did it bother him so much?

It was because he was bored. He was bored of not being in a relationship. Merlin had never really had a relationship before and now he wanted one. He wanted the messiness of it all, the laughs and even the fights. He wanted someone to wake up with and cuddle up to in the morning, to share kisses with, to have _someone_ who knew him inside out and Gwaine was not that person. Don’t get me wrong Merlin liked the sex, that was good but it was hollow. There was no _feeling_ other than raw sexual desire. So he decided he would break it off with Gwaine; that was the deal anyway.

Merlin got himself dressed and texted Gwaine to meet him at the coffee shop just down the road. He shuffled down the street, it was hot and sunny and there were bugs everywhere and Merlin _hated_ bugs, he would almost scream if something flew into his face. Unfortunately he was not immune to the heat so he couldn’t wear his jacket and had to go out with his arms on show. He adamantly refused to let Mithian buy him shorts though, arms were enough he would not put his legs on show as well.

When he walked into the quaint little shop the girl at the counter smiled at him and he smiled back, Gwaine was sat in a comfy leather armchair near the back already with their drinks.

“Hi Gwaine”

“Merlin! Y’alright?” he replied between sips of coffee

“Yeah um I need to talk to you actually”

“Alright, shoot”

“Right, yeah. I don’t really know how to phrase this but I’ll try my best.”

“Just spit it out”

“Pushy. Anyway…um Gwaine. I would like to stop having sex with you.” An old lady not too far away from them looked round with a shocked expression.

“Elegantly put but okay”

“Okay?

 “Yeah, that was the deal wasn’t it. You sure though?”

“Yeah, sorry it’s just I kind of want something more and this’ll make me sound like a dick but not with you.”

“I completely understand Merlin. I was actually going to say the same thing to be honest.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah and I was gonna ask about Mithian.”

“What about Mithian?”

“Well, she’s smart, gorgeous she has my kind of sense of humour and well she’s kind of brilliant and I was going to see if you could help me ask her out?”

“I’d be happy to help.”

“Thanks Merlin, you’re a good friend.”

“I know”


	4. I Don't Hate You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the delay, it was my birthday yesterday though *yay*  
> Sorry if this chapter is a bit lame and there's quite a bit of dialogue in this one too but tell me what you think.  
> Also, sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors.

Summer was dragging and Merlin had next to nothing to do, it would be another few days until he was going home for a couple of weeks so what better way to waste time that to fill up a sketch book. It had actually been a while since Merlin had opened his sketchbook, able to draw to his heart’s contempt and Merlin being Merlin had already done all of his summer assignments which Mithian had mercilessly teased over.

He skimmed through the photos on his camera until he found a photo of the Parisian night time skyline that he had taken when his parents took him and Freya to Paris. It was stunning, it really was and he began to draw; every stroke of the pencil on the thick paper soothed him and soon he was so engrossed that he hardly even registered the fact that Mithian was calling him…until she charged in and hit him over the head.

“OUCH”

“Yeah, well I’ve been shouting for you for five minutes you little shit!”

“Sorry, I was drawing, you know how involved I get”

“You need a fucking sign for your door then saying ‘DRAWING-DO NOT DISTURB’ then”

“Yes I certainly do”

“Right well come on we’re all going to Gana and Gwen’s”

“By ‘all’ does that include Arthur”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Merls seriously you need to get over this, I don’t give a fuck if he annoys you because he’s fine with everyone else so maybe he just fancies you or something”

Merlin snorted “Really Mith? Do you really believe that? I highly doubt I’m even close to Arthur’s  type anyway”

“Well you never know…come on or we’ll miss the beginning of the film”

“What film?”

“Star Wars, original series though because despite the fact I love the prequel films, I cannot stand Jar Jar Binks”

“I whole heartedly agree my friend, come on!”

* * *

 

When they got there (almost) everyone just smiled in greeting as Morgana put snacks on the table and Arthur awaited the command to press play with his eyes glued to the screen and a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. Merlin and Mithian squashed together at the end of the sofa sharing a bag of Doritos. Morgana had her feet over Leon’s lap, she and Mithian; whose feet were on Merlin’s lap, were sitting back to back which to Merlin did not look comfortable in the slightest. Arthur was sat on the floor like a five year old, mouthing along the words. Merlin couldn’t help but keep glancing over at him, every time he did so he just had to smile. He didn’t think anyone noticed, but they did. They always notice.

“So Merlin” Gwen chirped. Arthur glared at her to tell her to be quiet. “Oh Arthur do shut up, you’ve seen them a thousand times…anyway Merlin”

“Yes Guinevere”

“We’re doing Lord of the Rings on Tuesday, are you coming?”

“I’m afraid I can’t”

“Why not? Going out with Gwaine” Merlin saw her eyes dart to Arthur who was pretending to focus on the TV but was evidently failing.

“Er no actually um Gwaine and I broke that off” Everyone stopped for a moment to look at Merlin, and then quickly at Arthur who was still staring at the screen. Mithian piped up.

“Oh my god Merlin why why why?”

“I don’t know, I kind of just got bored”

“ _Bored._ Of sex. With _Gwaine?”_

“Yeah I guess so.”

“Alright what’s the real reason?”

“That’s it”

“No come on, real reason” Mithian was now poking Merlin in the shoulder, everyone’s eyes on him including Arthur’s who had a slight smile on his face of which Merlin couldn’t see.

“Fine, stop poking me”

“Tell me then”

“Why do you make me do public announcements about my life all the time”

“Because it’ll come out eventually, now stop changing the subject you fool and tell me.”

“Alright, alright, Jesus…I wasn’t lying about the boredom thing but the other reason is because well…um”

“In your own time”

“It’s because I want to actually be in a relationship. One that means something, I don’t just want meaningless sex every now and again. I want an actual boyfriend. Happy now?”

“Delighted, thank you.”

Morgana smiled, she looked down at her brother who was blocked from Merlin’s view but she could see him smiling. He himself didn’t even realise he was smiling until his name was being called.

“Arthur could you get me another drink please?”

“You’re a lazy shit you know that Leon?”

“I can’t exactly move when I’ve got your sister sat on me can I?”

“Whatever”

“Thanks mate” 

* * *

 

Merlin spent the next two days in his pyjamas just drawing or reading. It made him relaxed and he felt like he had all the time in the world but after a while he needed some fresh air so he put his sketchbook and pencils into his bag and got dressed. After he was dressed he picked up his bag and walked to the park down the road, it was surprisingly quiet so he took his time strolling along the cobble path listening to the birds.

He sat down at a bench and pulled out his drawings then began to sketch a bird that was nestling in the branches of a large tree opposite him. It was calm, serene and relaxing. The weather wasn’t too warm or too humid and there was a gentle summer breeze that drifted through the leaves and ruffled Merlin’s hair every now and then.

All of a sudden Merlin was startled by his phone going off that he dropped his pencil, he picked it up as he answered his phone and began twirling It round his fingers.

“Merlin? Merlin are you there sweetheart?” It was Hunith and she sounded panicked to say the least.

“Mum, yeah I’m here are you alright?”

“Not really darling no. It’s your father, he…he’s been in an accident” The pencil that Merlin was playing with clattered to pavement again as he sat there shaking.

“I-is he alright?” His voice trembled and he found it hard to formulate words.

“He’s alive, thank goodness but he sustained critical injuries, they say he should recover though hopefully. But sweetheart you can’t come down I’m sorry”

“But mum-“

“No darling, I know you were looking forward to coming home for a couple of weeks but I don’t want you seeing him like this”

“Mum please”

“Merlin listen to me, I will ring you tomorrow to let you know but in the meantime would you allow Freya to stay with you for a few days?”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come down and keep an eye on her”

“No, no I don’t want her to see him like this, I’d prefer she stay with you, I’ll take her to the train station tomorrow morning”

“Mum, how are you holding up?”

“I’m shaken and I’m terrified to drive but he’ll be alright, okay? Just look after Freya and let me know when she gets there.”

“Okay mum, I love you”

“I love you too sweetheart, stay safe and I’ll see you soon”

“Bye mum, bye”

He ended the call and lay his head in his hands. He sobbed until he had barely any tears left. He sniffled and his eyes were puffy and he didn’t care if people were giving him weird looks and then he felt and arm round him and a deep Irish voice was soothing him. ”Merlin, what happened”

So he told him. Gwaine listened with open ears, he helped Merlin clean himself up and then he took his hand and walked him home.

* * *

 

Arthur was sat on his and Leon’s sofa mindlessly staring in his laptop screen. Leon was standing in the kitchen making a cup of tea when he swivelled on his heel to face the blond.

“Arthur come here I need to talk to you”   
  
“Okay?” He stood up and walked into the kitchen to meet his friend, he waited for Leon to say something but the man just stood there staring at him.    
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you Arthur?” He was taken aback by the brash judgement.  
  
“What have I done?”  
  
“Merlin, you like him don't you?”  
  
“What? That's absurd Leon”  
  
“No it's not Arthur look, I've known you for what, seventeen years and I know how you work.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean that you're doing the over compensating he-bullies-you-because-he-likes-you shit.”   
  
“No I'm not Leon.”   
  
“Yes you are but right now all you're doing is acting like a prick and Merlin obviously likes you but he's going to hate you soon enough.”  
  
“He hates me already, Merlin does not like me.”   
  
“Oh he does Arthur. Jesus have you not noticed the way he looks at you?”  
  
“No...”  
  
“Well you need to notice and you need to stop being a dick otherwise either me or Merlin is going to punch you in the face. Or worse. Morgana will punch you in the face.”   
  
“Why would Morgana punch me in the face?”   
  
“Because if you haven't noticed her and Merlin are best friends. Christ he's round there more often than not.”  
  
“Right”  
  
“Arthur look, you and your sister are a lot alike in many ways and don't try to deny it. One of the things you have in common is loyalty to those you love. If something happened to me or Morgana you'd kill someone right?”  
  
“Right.”   
  
“Exactly and Merlin is Morgana’s best friend so she'd do the same for him if anything or anyone hurt him.”  
  
“Okay.”   
  
“So when you next see him please apologise for being a dick and buy him a coffee or something.”  
  
“Leon we're not in a teen chick-flick romance film you know. “

  
“I know but he likes that sort of stuff.”

“How do you know? “

“Your sister is my girlfriend Arthur I sometimes have to hang out with her mates even when you and Elyan aren’t there. Honestly though, he's a nice guy I think he'd be good for you.”  
  
“I don't know Leon.”  
  
“Arthur please, if you're not attracted to him that's fine but you can still at least try to be friends. We'd all appreciate it.”  
  
“Fine, I'll try.”  
  
“Thank you mate, you won't regret it y'know.”  
  
“I hope not. “

The thing is, Leon was spot on. Arthur liked Merlin and he didn't _want_ to deny it. There was just something about the boy that made him smile even if that does sound cheesy. He hated that Leon could read him like a book but he also hated the way he'd been treating Merlin for the past year. 

God, a year. It'd been a year and he hadn't tried to get to know the other boy, he'd kind of just seen him at his sister’s flat a couple of times a week and made a snarky remark about his hair or something that he regretted as soon he walked out of the door.  
  
Yes, he had noticed the way Merlin looks at him and he hated it, not because he didn't feel the same way because he did, he really honest to God did. No it was because he felt that, he _knew_ that he was hurting Merlin. Every remark, every syllable that came out if his mouth was just another bullet into Merlin's chest and Arthur hated himself for it because for some reason he couldn't quite stop it.  Morgana would occasionally shoot him daggers in a cold stare and all he could do was run away with his tail between his legs but never could he just get the balls to go and apologise to Merlin. No matter how much he wanted to. 

A year this had been going on for. A whole fucking year and Merlin probably hated him now, if he didn't then there was something wrong with him. Now Arthur had been nudged a little harder than necessary but he was going to do it. He was going to apologise to Merlin and maybe possibly ask him out or in the very least buy him a coffee as a step toward forgiveness. 

That is until he saw Merlin's hand entwined with Gwaine's hand and they strolled along the car park. Oh. 

What was he expecting though really? Did he expect Merlin to wait around for him forever? He didn't blame him one bit, Gwaine was undeniably attractive and he knew he and Merlin were good friends, he thought they had stopped hooking up though that’s the thing. He thought Merlin didn’t want to be in a relationship with Gwaine. Maybe he changed his mind. That certainly didn't ease the jealousy in his gut. 

So he just sighed heavily, his eyes started to sting and he was _not_ going to cry. He had no right to, especially not after what he'd done to Merlin for the last year. He just kicked the gravel as he walked back to his flat. Not even daring to look back and Merlin who was now staring at him with a confused expression on his face. 

Merlin looked round to see Arthur seemingly upset, no snide remarks today just a sad individual nothing like the confident one that usually graced everyone with his presence. Merlin looked down at his hand which was entwined with Gwaine's…Oh shit Arthur had gotten the wrong impression. Yes they were holding hands but it was platonic, he didn't see Gwaine that way. Merlin was upset and his friend was comforting him. Why did it matter though, Arthur wouldn't care. It wasn't as if he liked Merlin back so why should he give a shit? This is just another reason for Arthur to be hateful toward him. Great. 

* * *

 

Gwaine stayed on Merlin and Mithian’s sofa that night; he wanted to make sure Merlin was okay and undeniably he wanted to shamelessly flirt with Mithain.

In the morning there was a knock on the door and a bleary eyed, coffee holding Merlin answered it, only to be greeted by Arthur who for some unbeknown reason looked nervous.

“Arthur what are you doing here?”

“I need to-“ He cut himself off when he saw Gwaine on the sofa, stretching. “Oh um, I’ll come back later don’t worry”

Merlin looked behind him to see what Arthur had seen he quickly turned to hurry after the fleeing man. He reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Oh my God Arthur it’s not what you think. I don’t even know why I’m explaining myself to you, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.”

“I thought you broke it off with Gwaine?”

“I did!”

“Then why was he holding your hand Merlin? Why is he in his boxers in your flat at nine in the morning”

“Because he was comforting me. I’d told him something and he’s my friend. He was just being my friend when I needed him to be. I’m not sleeping with him anymore. Not that that’s really any of your business Arthur.”

“Whatever Merlin.” Arthur ripped his arm away from the other’s grasp and began to storm off down the hallway once more.

“No! Wait! Arthur you came here for a reason, you never get up this early when you don’t have to and I know you didn’t have to. So for whatever reason you came here it certainly was not just to ask me why I was holding hands with Gwaine yesterday. So do tell me, Arthur, why are you here and why on earth did you look so hurt when you saw Gwaine this morning? Tell me that.”

“It doesn’t matter Merlin, just leave it”

“No, I will not leave it because it does matter. It matters to me. Please Arthur”

“Why do you care?”

“Because believe it or not, I would like to be your friend. We’ve known each other for a year Arthur and we’ve never had a proper conversation. We’ve never said anything nice to each other, we’ve been alone in a room once the entire time we’ve known each other because our friends can’t leave us alone from fear that we’ll kill one other. I don’t hate you Arthur, I really don’t. Sure you’re an arrogant, pompous arsehole but I don’t hate you and honestly I just want to be friends.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you hate me? Merlin, all the horrible things I’ve said to you would cause anyone to despise me by now. I’m surprised you don’t want my head on a platter. Why would you want to be friends with me?”

“Because I can see that you’re not a bad person. You and your sister are a lot alike; you’re both loyal to those you care about."

"Leon said something similar to me yesterday."

"Because it's true. You paint an image of yourself but when you’re around your closest friends you let guard down, you act like yourself and I see that. You probably don’t mean for me to see that but I do. I see it when you’re with Leon, when you’re with Morgana and who you are around them is who you really are and that’s who I want to be friend with.”

“I really am sorry Merlin, for everything. I genuinely don't mean to be cruel it just happens and I hate myself for it y'know? Like as soon as say something horrible to you I want to punch myself in the face and honestly, I'm surpised you haven't, so yes Merlin, I would love to be friends with you. But can you honestly forgive me for the things I've said to you?.”

“Buy me a pizza and you’re forgiven”

“That’s a bit easy”

“I can easily forgive those who I think deserve to be forgiven. I can’t hold grudges”

“That’s very noble of you.”

“Not really, its one of my many weaknesses”

“A good weakness to have though I suppose.”

“Yeah, I suppose so. Come on do you want to come in for a bit.”

“I’d like that”

It all seemed too easy for Merlin, but everything he had said had been truthful, straight from the heart. He had poured his soul into his words but unfortunately he couldn’t express everything he felt for the other boy but at the moment to be friends with him was more than enough. He was thankful for that.

* * *

Merlin didn’t have much of an appetite so he just drank a couple of cups of coffee and nibbled at half a slice of toast while he explained to Mithian and Arthur what had happened. He told Mithian that Freya would be staying with them for a few days which she gleefully agreed to. At around half past ten Merlin received a text.

_Received: Freya_   
_10:32_   
_‘Train will be at the station in about 15 minutes, see you in a bit’_

Merlin quickly ran to his room and pulled on the first outfit he saw and scrambled to get his shoes on. He ran into the lounge to pick up his phone from where it lay in front of his friends, and his keys and his wallet. He ran around chanting ‘shit shit shit’ before Arthur stood up and offered him a lift.

“Yes! Thank you Arthur you’re a life saver”

“I know, come on we only have ten minutes”

“shit shit shit”

Merlin pulled Arthur out the door by his hand, much to Mithian’s pleasure, then thy sprinted down to Arthur’s car.

“Thank you for this Arthur really I hate to be a bother”

“It’s no bother”

“Thank you, we can get the bus back if you want”

“Merlin, its fine. There’s a back seat I’m sure your sister would prefer to sit in a car than on a bus.”

“You’re right. Thank you”

“Stop saying thank you. That’s what friend are for right?” He winked at Merlin and received a huge grin in return.

* * *

 

When he got out of the car, Merlin walked into the station closely followed by Arthur and he was soon greeted by a flying hug. Freya hugged Merlin so tight he had trouble breathing but nevertheless he didn’t let go. She pulled away and beamed up at him then she had to do a double take at Arthur as she stood there gaping at him.

Arthur shuffled on his feet and he looked at Merlin’s teenage sister. He smiled politely. “Hi you must be Freya, I’m-“

“Flipping gorgeous” Merlin sniggered, Arthur went red. “I mean seriously, you are. You’re friends with Merlin?”

“Oi, what’s that supposed to mean?” It was Arthur’s turn to chuckle.

“I mean seriously Merls he’s beautiful, how did you manage to become friends with him? Wait a minute…” She froze on the spot and glanced at each of the men before her. “…are you Merlin’s boyfriend?”

Merlin choked on his own saliva and they both went bright red. “I-I-I’m not his b-boyfriend no, just a friend.”

“Shame, you would have beautiful adopted children.” They went even redder and Merlin had to cover his face with his hands. They were getting funny looks from passers-by but Freya didn’t seem to notice or if she did, she didn’t care. “So what’s your name anyway?”

“I’m Arthur.”

“ _The_ Arthur. As in the Arthur who Merlin has a mega crush on”

“Okaaaayy” Merlin sang “Time to go, let’s go yep come along boys and girls.”

Freya sat in the back of the car laughing to herself at the now awkward atmosphere that encased the two men. She pulled out her phone and sent a message to her mother.

_Sent: Birthgiver_   
_10:58_   
_‘Got here safely, successfully made Merls feel uncomfortable and met Arthur, as in the Arthur. He’s gorgous. Hope you’re ok see you soon x x x x x x_

* * *

 

Mithian let Freya use her room while she was staying so Mithian stayed at Morgana and Gwen’s for the next few days. It was nice; Merlin had missed seeing Freya every day so he was making the most of it while she was there. She came along to Morgana’s movie night and fit right in. She sat on the sofa with Mithian, Morgana and Leon while Merlin was exiled to the floor where he sat (probably too close) next to Arthur.

At first everyone aside from Mithian and Freya were a little shocked to see the two boys chatting amicably but after a while it was nice to see them getting along. Gwen would giggle every now and then at which both Merlin and Arthur would simultaneously raise an eyebrow at, causing her to giggle even more. Whenever one or the other would lean over to say something, they were slightly too close to be platonic.

Merlin’s breath would hitch when Arthur leant across to whisper in his ear some reference to the film and his breath would be so close he could feel it against skin and what he wouldn’t give just to lean over and kiss him, but he cast away those thoughts and focused on the words. Little did he know that Arthur felt the same way. Merlin would smile at the references and laugh at all the jokes that no one else could hear. He also didn’t notice everyone else in the room sharing knowing glances, watching the two of them closely, seeing what they will do next.

Freya on the other hand was just plain confused. She could see perfectly clearly that they liked each other and yet they act as though nothing is going on. She was fighting the urge to scream at them ‘JUST KISS ALREADY!’ but thought better of it. Instead, she rolled her eyes and watched the films occasionally munching on a handful of popcorn.

She’d try and get these two numbskulls to realise how they felt if it were the last thing she ever did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up whenever.  
> Thank you so much for reading x x x


	5. Am I Just A Joke To You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to be doing Geography coursework but oh well.  
> Enjoy, tell me what you think  
> Happy reading

Merlin awoke in a cold sweat, breathing raggedly. His eyes stung from the flourescent lights of the street lamps outside shining in through the window and attacking his unsuspecting retinas. He rubbed his aching temples and tried to steady his breaths, it took a while and he felt nauseated. _What had just happened?_ He asked himself. His dark hair clung to his sweat slicked forehead and he felt constricted by his bed covers so he threw them back and pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face into his crossed arms and breathing heavily.

Slowly he stood and began to shuffle to the kitchen careful not to make any noise that may have woken Freya. Merlin was shaking and he didn’t understand why. It was only a dream, a nasty one at that, but still only a dream. Really it was harmless, it couldn’t hurt him but nevertheless it was certainly nerve wracking especially considering that Merlin had never suffered from nightmares before. Quickly he filled a glass with water and drank it in an instant before scurrying back toward his room.

Finally he looked at his alarm clock; it read 3:07am. Too early to text anyone but to be fair he didn’t actually give a shit, he just needed to talk to someone, _anyone._ That person may or may not have been Arthur.

He began to tap out a message, unsure of what to actually say but he just needed someone to chat to. Arthur and Merlin had become close over the past few weeks and Merlin loved every second. He thought that it should feel weird between the two but it simply didn’t. They fit together easily and Merlin felt comfortable around Arthur. As Merlin was typing he smiled at the memory of what Gaius had described them as, he remembered their conversation:

**_“I don’t know Gaius, I used to hate him, well I didn’t hate him, I just didn’t like the way he treated me. I always thought he hated me though and now we’re like best friends after about a week and it all seems rather surreal.”_ **

**_“Well you know what they say Merlin.”_ **

**_“What’s that?”_ **

**_“You cannot truly hate that which makes you whole.”_ **

**_“Alright Shakespeare”_ **

**_“It’s true though Merlin, you and Arthur you’re just…well you’re two sides of the same coin I suppose.”_ **

**_“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”_ **

**_“Just that you’re meant to be in eachother’s lives. In a way you’re sort of meant for eachother, that your destinies are entwined.”_ **

**_“How poetic”_ **

**_“Oh be quiet, I’m an old man now shoo I need to go through some paperwork”_ **

* * *

 

Merlin, although he didn’t want to admit it, was starting to feel like Arthur may just be one of the best things to happen to him. Alright so he felt something more than friendship toward the man and he was almost certain that Arthur did not reciprocate those feelings but even if they didn’t become anything more, friends was definitely something Merlin would be happy about. What Gaius had said made some of sense to Merlin even if he didn’t know what he meant exactly, the words just seemed to fit. They seemed to describe their relationship perfectly.

The dream had unsettled him and right now Arthur was the only person that Merlin wanted to talk to, albeit if that made him seem clingy.

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:10  
‘Hi sorry if I wake you up I just wanted to talk’

Five minutes or so went by and Merlin gathered that meant he was not going to be getting a reply. However, just as he was placing his phone back onto his bedside table, it vibrated.

__ Received: Arthur  
3:17  
‘It’s fine I’m up anyway, couldn’t sleep, whats the matter? x

Merlin smiled at the little ‘x’ he liked that Arthur- masculine, butch Arthur- used kisses on his texts. Contrary to popular belief, Arthur was in fact a huge softie with people he cared about and Merlin could count himself lucky that Arthur cared about him.

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:18  
‘Sounds a bit stupid but I had a nightmare :/’

__ Received: Arthur   
3:19  
‘That’s not stupid Merlin, I get nightmares too x’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:19  
‘Seriously?’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:20  
‘Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Xx’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:20  
‘No thanks, I’m still a bit freaked out by it, I kindof just want to talk about anything else to take my mind off it x’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:21  
‘Okay well try and get some sleep Merlin, it’ll make you feel better and if you want to you can talk to me about it tomorrow yeah? X’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:22  
‘Okay, thank you arthur x’

_ Received: Arrthur   
3:22  
‘No problem that’s what friend are for  _ _ J _ __ x’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:23  
‘Why couldn’t you sleep anyway? X’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:24  
‘Just stuff on my mind x’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:24  
‘Would you like to talk about it now? X’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:26  
‘I don’t really want to talk about it at all Merlin x’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3.26  
‘You sure? I’ll listen, I promise. You can tell me tomorrow if you like x’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:27  
‘For fuck’s sake no I don’t want to talk about it Merlin.Just leave it.’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:28  
‘Fine. I was only trying to help.’

Merlin threw his phone onto his nightstand and sunk into his pillows. Fifteen minuted later he was lying on his back staring at the dark ceiling when his phone buzzed and madehim jump out of his skin.

__ Received: Arthur  
3:43  
‘Sorry Merlin. I really am, I didn’t mean to snap I just don’t want to talk about it. Not yet anyway xx’

__ Sent:Arthur  
3:44  
‘It’s fine. I shouldn’t have pushed I’m sorry too. Still see you tomorrow yeah? Xx’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:45  
‘Yeah xx’

__ Sent: Arthur  
3:45  
‘Goodnight Arthur xx’

__ Received: Arthur  
3:46  
‘Night Merlin, sorry again. See you tomorrow xxx’

With that Merlin drifted off to sleep with a smiled tugging on the corners of his mouth.

 

* * *

 

Ten o’clock rolled around before Merlin realised and he was woken up by a crash in the kitchen, quickly he hurried to where the noise had come from and found Freya standing over a broken bowl. She looked up at him guiltily and put on her best apologetic smile, he just chuckled and nudged her out of the way.

“God you’re clumsy, move I’ll clear it up”

“No it’s fine, I’ll do it Merls”

“No you bloody won’t. You’ll hurt yourself somehow”

She didn’t try to retort instead she shrugged and walked into the living room and sat on te sofa. Just as she was about to switch on the television, the door rang making her jump. Merlin poked his head round into the lounge and both he and Freya exchanged confused looks.

“Bit early for your friends to be round isn’t it?”

“Yeah, Mithian won’t even be awake yet”

Freya hopped up from her perch on the sofa and skipped over to the door, when she opened it she was greeted by a smiling Arthur holding three cups of hot beverages and a bag of something. She smiled back at him and invited the man in.

“Who is it Freya?” Merlin called from the kitchen where he was still sweeping up shards of broken crockery.

“Arthur”

“Oh, Hi Arthur!”

“Hi Merlin” Merlin tipped the mess away into the bin and came to meet Arthur in the living room, obvilious to the fact he was still only wearing his boxers and a t-shirt.

“Bit early isn’t it?”

“Well, I woke up early and I bought these” He held out the cups and bag. Merlin took the bag to look in it. “Got you a coffee and Freya, I got you a gingerbread latte because you seem like you’d like that.” She grabbed her drink and took a sip. Merlin took a hold of his and smiled dumbly- it was only coffee for Christ’s sake.

“Arthur you’re a star”

“And, Merlin I got you a blueberry muffin because I know they’re your favourite and Freya I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got you a chocolate one” Freya’s eyebrows shot up as she swirved her head to look at Merlin, who seemed to be in some sort of trance. Hearts for eyes, obvious hearts for eyes. It was sickening.

She grabbed her muffin and shuffled away to her room, not before calling behind her “Merlin I love your boyfriend! Marry him!”

Arthur went beet red and Merlin’s ears began to burn, He laughed nervously and tried to shout back all the while stuttering his words “He’s n-not my b-boyfriend Freya!” He was going to throttle her later. “Sorry Arthur, she’s a little shit” He managed as he rubbed the back his incredibly warm neck.

“It’s fine, lets just eat, You can tell me about that nightmare you had if you want”

“Oh yeah I forgot about that”

Merlin walked into the lounge closely followed by Arthur and they both sat down, probably too close, on the sofa. Both boys took a long sip of their still hot coffee and sat for a beat in amicable silence. Merlin spoke first.

“How did you know this is how I drink my coffee, and that blueberry muffins are my favourite?”

The question caught Arthur off guard because honestly he didn’t know how he knew, _he just did._ It was like whenever Merlin was around him, his sense became hyper-aware and he could take in every detail of the other boy. Everything he did, Arthur would pick up on. Even before they were friends Arthur knew what Merlin’s favourite muffin was, how he drank his coffee, even what his favourite film was. And that, well that scared him because never in his life had he payed so much attention to another person, especially without meaning to. After a moment of silence he replied.

“I don’t know. I just do, I suppose. You’re my friend, I pick up on these things”

“Oh right”

“Anyway do you want to talk about this dream of yours?”

“Yeah, but promise you won’t laugh okay. And try not to be weirded out.”

“I promise” He held up his hand in a scout salute. “Scout’s honour”

“You were never a proper scout Arthur”

“How would you know?”

“Morgana told me. You were a beaver and then a cub for six months before you quit. But you never made it to be a proper scout.”

“That girl dishing out all my secrets. Damn her. Anyway stop going off topic, tell me”

“Alright. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare per se but it still freaked me out a bit.”

Merlin took a deep breath, when he looked over at the blond his blue eyes were fixed on him intently listening. If Merlin ever had doubts that Arthur didn’t really care, well in this very moment all those doubts washed away because he could _see_ that Arthur cared.

“Okay well you were there, so was Morgana, so was Mithian. All of us were except for Freya… It was weird because well I was the real Merlin.”

“What do you mean?”

“The sorcerer, the wizard. The one who has all the legends written about him and you were the real Arthur. As in King Arthur of Camelot. From all the Arthurian legends”

“Wow, how is that bad?”

“Well it was strange becauseone minute we were all in this beautiful castle, it was amazing like Château de Pierrefonds.”

“What now?”

“That castle in France, it’s amazing. I’ll take you there one day, the architecture is astounding.”

“Alright, anyway…”

“Right yeah. So we were all there having this wonderful feast. The knights were Gwaine, Percival, Lance, Leon and Elyan. They were all sat around you. Gwen was sat next to Lance, Morgana in between you and Leon and I was there. Standing by your side.”

“Why weren’t you sitting?”

“I’m not sure. I was doing something, I had magic and I don’t think you knew.”

“I think I would know if you had magic Merlin.”

“Funny that, you said exactly those words later on.”

“Oh”

“But anyway, everyone was eating and then it all went dark. When the light came back we were in some sort of canyon. Two armies facing eachother. You led one and a boy with dark hair led the other. All of a sudden there was this huge battle, both sides charged I think I heard someone shout ‘Camlann!’ and then it all went quiet. I thought that was it until I saw you and that boy going one on one, he was quick but you were quicker and then everything seemed to slow down. I was on the top on a hill with some sort of staff there was purple lightening all very strange and then it happened~ Merlin shuddered and Arthur put a hand on his shoulder.

“What happened?”

“The boy, you called him Mordred and he stabbed you, through the stomach. I screamed and killed him somehow and ran over. You were dying and something or someone told me I had to take you to the Lake of Avalon. So there was this weird spell I did and a _dragon_ turns up, he takes us as near as he can go to the lake but you’re dying. So I tell you. I tell you I have magic and what you said earlier. ‘I think I would know if you had magic Merlin’ you said that.   
There was a whole lot of crying and I was holding you, it was strange… and the dragon spoke. It was the same voice that told me to take you the lake and he said something that was weird but I can’t seem to get it out of my head, he said ‘Do not dispair young warlock. Arthur is the Once and Future King, you will see eachother again one day when he rises again. Your fates are entwined for you are but one side of the same coin and Arthur is the other. You have the same destiny.”

“That’s kind of crazy”

“Kind of? It freaked me out. You died, right in my arms you died and some giant fucking reptile tells me something not so disimilar from what Gaius said to me.”

“What did Gaius say to you?”

“He said the coin thing.”

“What does it mean?”

“No idea, but somehow it kind of makes sense you know? I don’t know, it just seems to fit”

“I get what you mean”

“Anyway I don’t want to think about it, let’s watch TV”

Merlin grabbed the remote and turned the tele on, he skipped through the channels trying to find something to watch, he picked a re-run of _Strictly Come Dancing_ and settled in the cushions he heard Arthur groan. When he turned he was met with Arthur, rolling his eyes in frustration.

“What?”

“You watch some really shit TV”

“Well I enjoy watching Strictly”

“It’s a load of bullshit, you know talent shows are all rigged right?”

“I don’t care I like them”

“But they’re crap, it’s a load of talentless people frolicking around, how can you enjoy that?”

“If you don’t want to watch it, leave.”

“Why can’t we just watch something good, instead of you forcing me to either leave or watch this pile of wank”

“Oh here we go”

“Excuse me?”

“I said oh here we go because you’re making yourself into some sort of victim again. I’m not _forcing_ you to do anything. It’s a TV show. It’s crap TV yeah I know but sometimes I like to watch crap TV in he mornings. Stop moaning about everything and get your head out of your arse.”

“Don’t be so bitchy Merlin”

“BITCHY? Seriously? You’re calling _me_ bitchy”

“Well at least I don’t dream about you dying in my arms.”

“THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. WHAT THE FUCK?”

“Alright calm down”

“I will not! Don’t come here and complain about my shows, I’m not forcing you to do anything so just don’t. Why can’t you just be polite, for once in you life?”

“I am polite, I brought you coffee and a muffin!”

“Yes you did and that was sweet and I’m grateful but your politness never lasts more that ten minutes, especially with me. You always find some way to insult me even if you don’t mean to. So please just leave.”

“Merlin!”

“No Arthur, just go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, let me just calm down”

So Arthur stood up and hung his head. He looked up slightly to look at Merlin and apologised but the boy had already stormed off to his room. He sighed deeply and strode out of the door. Freya was standing in her doorway, she had heard every word and Merlin didn’t even see her when he marched into his room. She wanted to see if he was alright so she peered around the corner of his door and saw her brother lying face down in his pillows, she sighed and went to put the kettle on. It was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

Arthur walked out of Merlin’s apartment building and headed striaght through the park. It was warm as the sun shone on his back but there was a slight breeze that ruffled his hair. He breathed in the crisp summer air. He was angry at himself for letting Merlin be upset, _why did he always have to open his mouth?_ He thought.

That was just him all over though, never thought before he spoke. No it wasn’t. That wasn’t him at all. He was never like this with anyone else exept Merlin because Merlin made Arthur feel like his body was on fire, he couldn’t formulate words and for some reason he didn’t hav a verbal filter when it came to the boy. He always opened his mouth when he didn’y need to and say something so completely and utterly uncalled for and it made Merlin feel like shit. Most of the time though Arthur didn’t realise and Merlin would just brush it off, but today. Well today crossed the line, he had told Arthur something personal, that he probably wouldn’t even tell Morgana or Mithian and he had thrown that right back in Merlin’s face when _it didn’t even have anything to do with their argument._ The argument itself however was petty and stupid, he should’ve just watched the fucking show.

Before he knew it, Arhur was standing outside his sister’s front door just about to knock. Morgana opened the door, her long black hair was tied in a pony tail. Really he and Morgana looked nothing alike, Arthur was well built, blonde and had bright blue eyes. The spitting image of their mother but Morgana had black hair emerald green eyes and she was elegant and fair skinned. She looked nothing like either of their parents which Arthur always found strange but she had their father’s personality. When they were young Morgana always worried that she may have been adopted but Uther and Ygraine assured them both that they were blood.

He walked in and instantly she knew that her brother was upset about something judging by the way he hung his head in shame.

“Whats up?”

“Me and Merlin had an argument”

She rolled her green eyes“You two are pretty much in a relationship you know”

“What?”

“You two, you’re perfect for eachother and yet somehow you don’t see it. You keep dancing around eachother but I see the way you look at eachother and I know you both want to be together so why do you keep saying things that  jeopardise that?”

“Because I like him Morgana! I really like him and that scares me because I don’t know how to control myself. I keep saying horrible things without meaning to. I want to tell him how I feel but everytime I try I fail miserably.”

“Oh little brother, you’re in deep”

“I know… He’s too good for me Morgs, I’m a piece of shit, I’m a real prick and he deserves so much better. I don’t even know why he would want to be _friends_ with me the way I treat him sometimes.”

Morgana smiled affectionately and placed her hand on her brother’s shoulder “Because he looks past that, he can see you’re a good person Arthur so stop beating yourself up and go apologise to him. I know how you feel and I know that it’s scary because what if he doesn’t feel the same, well I can assure you that he does otherwise he would’ve given up on your friendship a long time ago.”

“Why are you all so sure he likes me back?”

“Because it’s as plain as the nose on your face that you both feel exactly the same about eachother. It’s hard to miss especially because I’ve had about eight people tell me that you two are an adorable couple these past few weeks.”

“Oh”

“Now stop moping and go apologise to the wretched boy. Shoo”

* * *

 

Merlin had been dragged out of his room by Freya, pushed on the sofa which was playing _Strictly_ still and she had shoved at hot cup of tea into his hands. She had tried to get him to talk but he would just stare at her saying nothing and shrugged it off.

He had thought about it, he really really did like Arthur he made him feel safe and yet when he said things like that Merlin wondered why he even bothered. Obvously Arthur didn’t like him back or at least not in the way Merlin like him. He wished they both felt the same. He wished that when they had an argument Merlin could just grab Arthur and kiss him, to make everything disappear so it was just the two of them for a moment that could feel like infinity. But those things only happen in fairytales.

Merlin thought he’d done it now, pushed Arthur away so that he wouldn’t want to be friends with him. That was the last thing he wanted to do but he also felt as if he should be pushing Arthur away because as much as Merlin wanted Arthur to be in his life, he didn’t think _friends_ was ever going to suffice. He wanted more, he knew he did and he just didn’t think Arthur wanted that.

Merlin was shaken out of his thoughts by the banging on the front door.

“Merlin! Merlin let me in!” He got up and walked to the front door, carefully opening it so he didn’t come in contact with an angry Arthur.

But he wasn’t angry.

As soon as door was open enough Arthur lunged forward, Merlin flinched but it wasn’t an attack. Arthur flung himself onto Merlin, the shorter man squealed as the blond hugged him. _He actually hugged him._

“Arthur wha-“

“Merlin, I’m sorry okay? I don’t mean to say things like that, I really don’t . You’re like one of my best friends and I don’t want to lose you because you’re important to me and I just don’t seem to have a verbal filter around you.”

“okay” Arthur pulled away and stared and Merlin is disbelief.

“Okay? But you were so angry”

“I was Arthur and I thought after the way I reacted you wouldn’t want to be my friend and now you’re apologising so I can’t really stay mad at you can I?”

“I s’pose not”

* * *

 

That was it really, they were back to best friends and they were both happy. Freya rolled her eyes constantly, Mithian made gagging motions, Morgana joined Freya in the eye motion, Gwen squealed and the boys didn’t really care. All was back to normal and Freya had to go home.

Hunith had refused to let either of her children go home while Balinor was recovering, she didn’t want them to be upset and Merlin understood but after four weeks of Freya staying with him it was time for her to go home. Balinor was still a little bruised but was up and about as much as he could be. Freya also needed to get her stuff ready for school which she was not looking forward to.

Reluctantly she packed up her stuff and got ready to leave. She hugged everyone goodbye and Arthur gave her and Merlin a lift to the train station. While Merlin was buying her ticket, Freya pulled Arthur to one side.

“Arthur can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, sure whats up?”

“I’m going to be blunt about this…Merlin likes you. A lot. And its annoying because he’s acting like a love struck child and honestly just…just do something, say something because I know for a fact that you like him back” She finished and walked over to Merlin who smiled down at her oblivious. Arthur was stood there, dumbfounded. _Jesus how is it that obvious?_

Merlin was looking at him quizzically, one eyebrow raised. He placed his hand on Arthur’s upper arm and squeezed gently“Arthur? You alright?”

He was shaken back into reality “Y-yeah yeah I’m fine”

Freya smiled at the floor and her train came into the station. She hugged Arthur and then her brother. She embraced Merlin tightly and kissed him on the cheek. “Bye dipstick, love you”

“Love you too bumcheek, text me when you get home”

“You know I will” She gave a two fingered salute and boarded the train. Arthur smiled at the exchange and Freya saw.

Arthur loved they way the two of them interacted it was nothing like him and Morgana. Although he and his sister were close it was nothing like Merlin and Freya and he couldn’t find it in himself to be jealous. The way they were to eachother was utterly adorable. 


	6. Finally, You Bastard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go.   
> I apologise for the waffling in this chapter and if there are any mistakes.  
> Comment- tell me what you think.  
> Enjoy!

So Freya didn’t manage to do what she had planned; to get Merlin and Arthur together. Because honestly the two of them were so blind it was infuriating. She genuinely wanted to go and smack their heads together and knock some sense in them. On the other hand though Christmas was fast approaching and their parents had told Merlin he could bring some friends home because they were going to a Christmas do that was some sort of ski resort for a week and neither Merlin nor Freya wanted to go to that.

Needless to say, Freya was looking forward to Merlin bringing his friends home; she loved them, she fit in with them and somehow despite being the annoying little sister of their friend, they accepted her into their group and she was positively giddy at the thought of seeing them again.

Okay so she’s a little obsessed, but who wouldn’t be? Somehow Merlin had integrated himself into a group of absolutely beautiful people and for some bizarre reason they  were completely down to earth and seemed to actually _like_ Freya. So she thought it best not to dwell and just accept their love no matter what.

* * *

 

December twenty-second had come and Merlin was packing his bag ready to go home for the holidays. It didn’t feel as strange this time, namely because he had most of his friends coming with him. When he had invited them all Morgana and Mithian almost jumped on top of him in excitement; a simple ‘yes please’ would have been sufficient. Gwen wanted to, but she couldn’t because she was taking Lance home for Christmas and Elyan wanted to spend time with his family. Fair enough. Morgana forced Leon into going, which wasn’t difficult both because he wanted to go anyway and the fact that Morgana was batting her eyelashes. Gwaine was going home to Ireland so obviously wouldn’t be able to make it, Percival was flying over to America- he wouldn’t say why and that just left Arthur. Last in the room to give an answer so everyone turned to look at him expectantly. Morgana spoke up:

“ ** _Arthur you may as well. I’m going, Leon’s going. Father is on a business trip so I doubt we would see him until boxing day anyway and you get to hang out with Merlin, in his house, where he can’t run away”_**

Merlin was taken aback by the last part. He turned around to her and glared, punching her softly in the arm. Arthur hardly seemed to bat an eyelid…strange.

“ ** _Yeah I suppose you’re right…about the first bit. I mean well yes Merlin, I would very much like to…er…go to yours”_**

 ** _“O-okay”_**  Merlin couldn’t help but feel a bit flustered. For what felt like hours he and Arthur just stared at each other until someone decided to break the tension.

**_“So Merlin”_ **

**_“Yes Morgana”_ **

**_“Is it alright if we stay until Christmas? I mean, we wouldn’t like to impose”_ **

**_“No no, it’s fine really. Mum and dad won’t be home until New Year’s Eve for the party so you can stay as long as you want.”_ **

**_“A party?”_ **

**_“Yeah we have one every year, I didn’t go last year obviously but I’m going this year. I was going to invite you all. So…I guess if you want to come, you can as long as you’re not bored of me by then”_ **

**_“Oh Merlin we could never be bored of you”_ **

That was that, they were coming until Christmas, then leaving, then coming back on New Year’s Eve. Quite the holiday Merlin had ahead of him.

* * *

 

He dumped his laptop and charger into his suitcase, zipped it shut and put it on the floor. He then picked up his back pack and slung it over his shoulder before moving into the living room where Mithian was standing with two bags at her feet, staring in the mirror trying to tie her hair up. Merlin smiled affectionately and checked that everything was turned off and he had everything he needed.

“Mith, you ready?”

“Yeah” she mumbled with one of her mittens hanging between her teeth. “but where’s Arthur? Isn’t he supposed to be driving us?”

“He’s downstairs”

“Oh right, your boyfriend is a good’un isn’t he” She put the mitten on, wrapped her scarf round her neck and pulled a hat snug over her ears and then proceed to smile smugly and Merlin’s red tipped ears and flushed face. “I’m only teasing… come on”

The two of them grabbed their bags and scurried down the stairs toward the car park. Arthur was standing next to his car, red nosed and staring intently at his phone. Merlin smiled at the light dusting of snow in his blond hair before the man looked up, their gaze met and Arthur beamed at him. To anyone else they would have looked like a couple about to go on holiday for a few weeks but to the two of them they were just so damn _oblivious_ and it was driving everybody, even Gaius, stir crazy.

Arthur opened the boot and fitted the bags in before climbing into the driver’s seat, Merlin in the passenger seat and Mithian sat in the back watching the two boys interact.

“Mithian”

“Yes Arthur”

“I can see you staring at me in the mirror, would you please stop”

“No”

The drive was long and despite the conditions of the road that Arthur should have been keeping an eye on, he kept on glancing over at Merlin who was reading a book. Occasionally they would catch each other’s eyes and exchange shy smiles to which Mithian rolled her eyes to the point where she thought they would pop out of her head, or roll back completely. Instead of having to bear witness to the cute-apocalypse she made the decision to go to sleep and when she woke up, the car was stopped in a petrol station. Merlin was sat in the front leaning on the window, a cushion was resting under his chin and Mithian was at least 80% sure it wasn’t there before. _Arthur_.

When the man came out of the shop he got back in to the car, looked at Mithian who was scowling and raised his eyebrow at her. She whispered as quietly as she could.

“Did you put the cushion there?”

“Yeah why?”

“Jesus Christ, how’ve you not figured it out yet?”

“What?”

“How in love you are with each other?”

“I’m not-“

“Save it, I’m not in the mood to hear your excuses. Drive”

“Yes boss”

* * *

 

Two hours later, Merlin was cuddling the cushion as they pulled off the motorway and into the more quiet roads where Arthur had to stop at another petrol station so that Mithian could get out and stretch her legs.

He leant over to Merlin and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. Merlin raised his own hand and grabbed Arthur’s. He smiled warmly at the contact before gently shaking him and tenderly saying “Merlin, wake up”

He woke up slowly and looked round at Arthur all bleary eyes and dishevelled. He tried to talk but it came out a bit like a drunk squirrel trying to communicate. “Tum’sit?”

Arthur chuckled softly and replied “about half two, we’ll be there in about an hour”

“M’kay” Merlin murmured before turning back round to get comfortable.

“ _Mer_ lin”

“mmm?”

“Come on, get out of the car we’re going for a walk”

“no”

“Yes come on, I’ll buy you a ridiculously sweet hot chocolate, I know you like  those.”

“Hmph, fine”

Reluctantly he followed Arthur out of the car and along the snow covered footpath where a small park was situated. Under a large evergreen tree was a bench just big enough to fit two on it. They sat down and looked around. The park itself was small yes but there was a lake at one end of it where there could see the familiar figure of Mithian walking.

Merlin closed his eyes and breathed in a sharp breath of cold winter air; he leant back on the backrest of the bench and felt a tinkling of snow dust over his nose. When he opened his eyes Arthur was smiling down at him with his crooked and endearing smile that made Merlin’s stomach do backflips. The amount of time Merlin had thought about that smile, thought about kissing that smile off his face. There was nothing that Merlin liked more than being the _reason_ for that smile yet he couldn’t stop himself from asking why.

“Why are you smiling at me?”

“No reason”

“Come one Arthur tell me”

“I was just thinking plus you’ve got snow in your hair” as he said this Arthur reached over and wiped the snow out of Merlin’s dark hair. The touch shot electricity shoot up Merlin’s back, he got goosebumps which he was sure were not caused by the cold. His stomach was filled with butterflies and _oh how he long to kiss the man._

“What were you thinking about? Must’ve been important to earn one of your endearingly adorable crooked smiles”

“My what?”

“You hear me, don’t change the subject”

“Alright then. I was thinking about how a year ago we weren’t even really friends and now here we are, I’m going to yours for Christmas and coming back for New Year’s and we’re more or less inseparable”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah”

“hmm”

Arthur looked away from Merlin and stared up at the tree above them; he leant his head back and took a deep breath. Merlin knew there was more, he knew Arthur was hiding something and he wanted to know what it was but he didn’t want to pressure him. Instead he lay back and stare up at the trees again.

Arthur continued his thoughts, they scared him sometimes but at the same time they gave him a thrill. _What if he were to tell Merlin how he felt? Would he feel the same?_ It was hopeless though. Arthur had never been particularly gifted in the matter of speaking from the heart so thought better of it. He thought of what to say but how well would it go down if he came out with:

_Honestly, I was thinking about the fact we’ve gone from disliking one another, to being best friends. Everyone seems to think we’re going out because apparently it’s blatantly obvious that we’re in love with each other. And I wonder if maybe they are right, maybe we’re just completely blind. Or I’m being an idiot because I know I like you, and yet I tell myself that you can’t possibly like me back. The way I treated you, how can you forgive that. You can’t like someone like me because I don’t deserve that, you’re so much better than I am and I wish I could just tell you how much I love you. How much I want to kiss your stupid face you beautiful, wonderful, spectacular idiot._

He didn’t think that would go down very well.

When Arthur pulled his gaze away from above him he saw Merlin staring intently at him. He wondered if Merlin knew what he was thinking, if he could read his thoughts. Well that would make things a hell of a lot easier.

Arthur let out a choked laugh and wiped his hands over his cold face and looked back up to the trees he didn’t see Merlin quirk an eyebrow in his direction so he just concentrated on trying to think of something _anything_ else.

“Merlin?”

“Yes?”

“What are these plants?”

“it’s mistletoe”

“Oh” and wasn’t that a kick in the bollocks. Merlin was sat there, snowflakes in his hair, looking beautiful, looking positively kissable. Except he couldn’t kiss him because that would be absurd. That would freak him out and he would lose his friend and Arthur didn’t think he could have done that.

“We get a lot of it around here, there’re a whole tree covered in it at this time of year down the far end of the garden. Maybe I’ll show you later”

“yeah” That’s all he could say. What else was there? “Come on, we better get going.”

“MITHIAN! WE’RE GOING COME ON!”

She bounded up behind them and made Merlin jump and then clambered back into the car. “Merls can I have that cushion please if you’re not using it?”

“yeah” and he chucked it behind him. “Arthur would you like me to drive? You’ve been going all day”

“No no it’s fine, I’m fine. It’s only another hour”

“Okay well I’ll make sure you get a decent bed then”

“Seems fair”

* * *

 

When they got in Merlin walked straight to Freya picked her up and hugged her tightly. When he put her down their mother came in with a smock on and a paintbrush behind her ear.

“Mum shouldn’t you be going?”

“We’re leaving in the morning; I just wanted to finish one of my paintings before we go”

“Fair enough”

“Let me go and get changed and I’ll come and make dinner, your father is in his office what time will Morgana and Leon be here?”

“In about an hour”

“Alright, go see your dad he’s missed you”

After everyone met everyone, they all sat down and ate dinner. It was comfortable and friendly. In the early hours of the morning Merlin was asleep in his room, Arthur in the spare room opposite, Morgana and Leon in the next one and Mithian was in Freya’s room as she had a sofa bed but Hunith and Balinor crept through the house in order to get to their taxi to the airport.

Hunith left a note on the fridge for Merlin:

‘Merlin, Freya and company; I wish you a very merry Christmas and I shall see you on New Year’s Eve. Please at least tidy your mess and Merlin- there’s new paints in the studio. Have fun all.

Lots of love mum and dad xxxxx’

In the morning when Merlin read it he smiled and jumped when Mithian came up behind him.

“Jesus Mith, we need to put a bell on you or something”

“yeah alright, what’s that?” she read the note. “They’re going skiing right?”

“Yeah why?”

“I thought your dad had a broken leg”

“Oh he did, it healed up all nicely, so did the wrist. Doctors said he was fine to go skiing, he still gets pains in his back so he knows his limits. He’ll be fine, they have health insurance”

“Okay, what’s for breakfast?”

“I fancy sausage and egg mcmuffin”

“Same”

“I’ll get the car keys”

They drove to the nearest McDonalds drive-through and ordered three double sausage and egg mcmuffins and tea for Arthur and Merlin and Mithian, a bacon and egg mcmuffin and a coffee for Leon, a breakfast wrap and orange juice for Freya and pancakes with a latte for Morgana. Full of pride that they remembered their friends’ orders (obviously Merlin would remember Arthur’s) they drove home.

As soon as they walked through the door they delivered the food to each room because everyone was a bit lazy and it was Saturday morning, so they were forgiven.

Merlin knocked on Arthur’s door, when there was no reply he pushed open the door steadily until the sigh before him was Arthur spread out like a starfish drooling into his pillow and Merlin couldn’t deny that it was ever so slightly (extremely) adorable. He padded over the side of the bed and nudged the sleeping man awake.

“Arthur, breakfast. I have greasy fast food and tea for you” He heard Arthur groan into his pillow and mumble something incoherent. When he looked up with half hooded eyes he smiled sleepily, looked at the bag of McDonalds and choked out “marry me”

Merlin smiled and let out a quiet chuckle “I’ll think about, eat your food”

With that the boy was left in peace.

* * *

 

On Christmas Eve everyone had the buzz of festiveness around them. At around six in the evening Merlin was in the kitchen making macaroni cheese when he heard the doorbell go. He turned the heat on low and walked to the door, when he opened it he was greeted by a huge hug that almost winded him. He pulled back and smiled, Will stood there with a bag in one hand and two boxes wrapped in red paper by his feet. “Merry Christmas Merlin!”

“It’s not Christmas yet”

“I know, I’d thought I’d come over early considering I was home alone and bored out of my mind, where’s Freya?”

“FREYA!” Merlin called up the stairs “WILL’S HERE!” Not long after that did they hear the sound of footsteps clambering along the hallway. Moments later Will was attacked in a huge hug.

“Will! I’ve missed you, how’ve you been?”

“I’m alright squirt, come on I’m bloody starving”

After fifteen minutes of catching up Merlin went upstairs to tell everyone that food was ready. Mithian was first down and then Morgana and Leon, they all greeted each other and sat down. For a while they chatted amicably until Arthur finally decided to show up. Merlin looked up at him and rolled his eyes.

“Took you long enough” Will turn to see who Merlin was talking to, he smiled at the man in the doorway. He stood up to shake his hand.

“You must be Arthur the boyfriend”  Merlin choked on his drink and Arthur tried to stutter out something but it didn’t quite work, instead he stood there with wide eyes and an open mouth. Everyone at the table was sniggering and Freya sat covering her nose and mouth, eyes shut and trembling in laughter.

Once Merlin recovered he said, “Will, he’s not…he’s not my boyfriend”

“Oh I thought…Freya said” Merlin swivelled to glare at his bright red sister.

“Freya. Said. What.”

“Nothing, nothing at all”

Merlin looked displeased for a while until Morgana coughed and asked if they could please have some food now. So they ate and they talked and Merlin sent Arthur awkward apologetic glances every so often to which he received a smile and a shrug.

* * *

 

Later that evening they all sat around watching Christmas films until it got to about half past eleven. Morgana and Leon went upstairs to bed, Mithian woke Freya up from where she was asleep on the sofa and told her to go to bed then shortly after she followed. Merlin had fallen asleep on Arthur’s shoulder and had an arm slung around his waist, Arthur had his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and was holding him there, also asleep. Will looked across from where he was sitting and grumbled under his breath “not boyfriends my arse” then proceeded to get out his phone, take a photo and then go upstairs to bed- he knew where his room was.

Christmas morning had arrived. Merlin and Arthur were still soundly sleeping on the sofa. Everyone else had silently congregated around them, Freya held here camera out, she had already taken a few pictures but she was preparing herself for what came next. Mithian stood with a megaphone- God knows where she had found it- and placed it in front of her lips. Morgana counted to one on her fingers and Mithian shouted.

“WAKEY WAKEY LOVEBIRDS, IT’S CHRISTMAS!” Merlin and Arthur both jumped out of their skin, Arthur fell to the floor in surprise and Merlin was hyperventilating on the edge of the sofa. Their so-called ‘friends’ were all laughing around them.

Freya ran along to her father’s office, grabbed a stack of photo paper and printed off several copies of the multiple pictures. She found a frame for the best one and sneaked into the living room where the group of people were talking now, Merlin didn’t seem happy and she placed the picture on the fire place, where it was visible but Merlin wouldn’t notice straight away.

Leon volunteered to make breakfast and afterwards they all sat in the lounge and opened presents. Nothing happened all day, neither one of the boys saw the photo frame. Basically the whole day was spent in pyjamas eating chocolate and drinking eggnog. Merlin and Freya found a box of gingerbread that their mother had left them and decided to make gingerbread milkshakes because why the fuck not? They ended up covered in crumbs and used almost a whole can of squirty cream but the drinks tasted nice so all was well.

Just as it was beginning to get dark, Freya spoke up.

 “Merls please can you get the arm chair from the summer house”

“why?”

“So we’re not all sat on the floor”

“It’s just you on the floor actually”

“Exactly, so can you get the chair please”

“Yeah okay”

“Arthur you might want to go with him, it’s quite heavy” Merlin stopped dead in his stride, wide eyes staring at Freya. He didn’t want Arthur to come to the summer house because the tree with all the mistletoe grew right next to it and what if…

“N-no that’s fine, I can manage it’s no proble-“

“ _Mer_ lin, I’ll help you it’s fine”

“Fine.”

They walked down to the end of the garden toward the summer house, Merlin lead the way and Arthur followed closely behind admiring the décor. Merlin’s mother, Hunith, and Merlin had painted a mural on the wall on the back of the house. It was beautiful and Merlin was proud to say that he helped.

“I had no idea you were so good at art”

“Yeah, I did it for GCSE and A-level. I’ll show you some of my work later there’s a pile of full up sketchbooks in my room.”

With a genuine smile Athur replied “I would love that”

For a moment they stopped and smiled at one another. Unbeknown to them Mithian, Morgana and Freya were standing on either side of the French doors trying not to be noticeable but watching every step.

As the boys moved closer to the end of the garden, Merlin froze and Arthur carried on walking until he was standing under the tree which stood next to the door of the cabin. Merlin stood shaking, a look of fear plastered on his face. Luckily for him it was already getting dark so Arthur would not have been able to make out his facial expression.

“Merlin, why are you just standing there?” He looked up and saw the mistletoe above his head. “Seriously? You’re afraid of mistletoe. You said you were going to show me the tree anyway… You know the rules come on.”

“I was _joking_ …and I’m not standing under the tree though” Arthur lunged forward, grabbed Merlin’s arm pulling him under the branches and low hanging white berries.

“Come on, just one kiss. It’s Christmas.” 

* * *

 

Merlin’s back was facing the door so the girls couldn’t see what was happening properly, they had seen Arthur pull Merlin under the tree and Freya had squealed like a pig. Mithian slid the door open as quietly as possible and sat on one of the lawn chairs, gathering as much snow as she could which incidentally was a hell of a lot.

* * *

 

Merlin hoped to God that it was too dark even with the lights for Arthur to see the blush that was creeping up his face and neck. He felt like he was on fire and all he wanted to do was surge forward and claim the kiss he had waited so long for and what better moment to do so than Christmas Day under a tree lit up with fairy lights and covered in mistletoe. It was like some sort of dream. “Okay then. Merry Christmas”

Arthur smiled and they both leant forward, he was just about to cup Merlin’s cheek and then…boom.

A snowball to the face.

Freya stood dumbstruck and Morgana hissed at Mithian. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“They’ve waited this long. If they want it that badly they need to work for it”

“Oh my god”

Merlin shook himself and looked back up to the patio where Mithian sat cackling almost falling over into the snow, Morgana was rubbing her temples and Freya, well Freya looked like she’d just had her puppy kicked.

“Come on we better get that chair”

“Yeah we should” That was it, that was Arthur’s only chance and it failed. He was so close to getting what he so desperately wanted and it was destroyed. Maybe the universe just didn’t want them to be together.

Everyone aside from Will went home on Boxing Day but assured Merlin they’d be back for New Year’s and he looked forward. Merlin didn’t mention the almost kiss, he didn’t try again, there was was no point. So he relaxed or _tried_ to relax for the next week.

* * *

 

On New Year’s Eve Merlin’s parents arrived home and a few hours later guests for the party started arriving. Gwaine turned up, so did Elyan, Gwen and Lance. Then came Mithian and Percival shortly followed by Morgana who looked as galmorous as ever with Leon on her arm and Arthur was traipsing along behind her.

Merlin’s breath hitched when he caught sight of Arthur in his tuxedo. Everyone looked posh in their best suits and dresses but Arthur, _Arthur looked magnificent_ and Merlin was finding it hard not to stare.

At 11:47pm Morgana glided over to Gwaine; “Gwaine, go dance with Merlin, try to make Arthur jealous Don’t get in a fight or anything just make him jealous”

“can do ma’am” He then proceeded to bounce over to where Merlin was sat with a beer talking to someone.

“Merlin!” he looked up and the rosy-cheeked man in front of him.

“Gwaine! You’re drunk!”

“Yep! Lets dance”

‘Dancing’ was a bad description of what happened next. Gwaine was near paralytic and Merlin was trying to hold him up whilst listening to the utter gibberish that he was saying. Merlin couldn’t help but laugh and he’d probably had a bit too much to drink and was probably finding Gwaine a lot more hilarious than he really was but from Arthur’s point of view from across the room it looked like Merlin and the irishman were having a right old blast.

Jealous Arthur was not to be reckoned with. Morgana floated over and placed a loving had on her brother’s shoulder. He looked round, facial expression unchanging: stoic and cold.

 “You alright little brother? I saw Merlin and Gwaine and thought I’d see that you’re okay”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I know how you’re feeling right now; like you want to rip Gwaine’s head off and throw him into the ocean.”

“You can read me like a book”

“well there’s two minutes until the countdown so you have a minute I’d say to go and get what you want”

“What do you mean?”

“You know very well what I mean”

“You’re right”

Wth that, Arthur pushed his way through the crowd toward the dark haired man and the drunken mess. He tapped Gwaine, probably too hard, on the arm to get his attention.

“Can I dance with Merlin?”

“Knock yourself out princess”

The drunk waddled away and Merlin looked at Arthur quizzically. “You know it’s…” He looked at the timer on the wall “one minuted until countdown”

“yep”

“And you’re choosing to be here when that happens”

“yep”

“Fair enough”

Arthur gripped Merlin’s hips and pulled him just a little too close while Merlin’s arms wrapped around Arthur’s neck. They swayed to the music not noticing their friends pointing them out to each other.

As the countdown began Merlin inched a tad closer to Arthur.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.  Arthur looked down at Merlin and smiled.

Two. Merlin smiled back, his eyes gleamed.

One.

* * *

 

Arthur gently cupped Merlin’s face and brought him into a long, slow, passionate kiss. Every sense in Merlin’s body flared in that moment. The butterflies in his stomach leapt and danced, his hands tingled as they absentmindedly drew circles on the back on Arthur’s neck. Electricity shot up Merlin’s spine and he felt like his entire being was on fire. And yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. In that very moment he felt the whole entire world melt away leaving just him and Arthur able to stay like that for the rest of their lives. He smiled into the kiss and brought it deeper, Arthur smiled back and pulled him closer so their chests were flush against each other’s. Finally when they parted for air, Merlin breathed out “Finally, you bastard” Arthur snickered. Everyone was silent. They looked up and saw bright smiles plastering the faces that encompassed the room.

All of a sudden there was a chorus of cheers and Morgana from across the room screamed “FINALLY!” At which neither Merlin nor Arthur could contain their laughter. Arthur turned to Merlin and whispered softly, “God I’ve been waiting forever to do that”

“I know.” Merlin brought the man back into a kiss. Arthur pulled back grinning.

“You know you’re gorgeous right?”

“You don’t need flattery Arthur, I’m not going anywhere”

“I know, but the truth is always nice to hear”


	7. I Was Not Expecting That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters this weekend, how lucky.  
> Comment, like, whatever. Enjoy your reading

Five months later and they were laying there on Arthur’s bed in contented silence, Merlin’s head rested on Arthur’s chest and Arthur would run his fingers through the messy black mop of hair every now and then. Merlin drifted in and out of wakefulness as the blond just lay there looking at him, because he liked to do that. Not in a creepy way but just look at him when he’s at his most vulnerable, watching the rise and fall of his chest and listening to the sound of his breathing because in those moments Arthur felt as though nothing would ever be able to compare to the pure love that he felt for this man; this beautiful, wonderful, incredible man.

Merlin’s eyes fluttered open and he moved his head so that his chin was resting on Arthur’s chest and he was looking up at him. Arthur moved his hand to stroke over Merlin’s cheekbones and he sighed contentedly. Merlin lay back down and began to rub circles with his index finger on Arthur’s stomach. After a few more minutes of silence Arthur began to speak:

“Merlin, what’s your favourite quote from a book or poem?”

Merlin looked up slightly with an arched eyebrow and a half smile. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, just humour me”

“Alright well I don’t just have one I have endless amounts but…I suppose…have you read that John Green book? ‘ _The Fault in Our Stars’_?”

“I haven’t, no. Should I?”

“You should, changed my life really…but anyway there are so many quotes in that one book but one of the ones that stood out for me was, and you’ll think me weird”

“I already know you’re weird Merlin, just tell me”

He punched Arthur playfully, “Oi clotpole… anyway Augustus says to Hazel, he says: ‘it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you’ and I don’t know… I just liked that I suppose”

Arthur couldn’t think of what to say, so instead he just smiled and let it swirl around his head because for some reason, those exact words are what he felt toward Merlin. He loved him so much, to the point of agony and if Merlin didn’t feel the same way, well of course it would hurt like hell but he would be worth it. All the pain in the world, every ounce of hurt, Arthur would suffer through that if it were for Merlin because that strange boy was worth more to him than anything.

Arthur was brought out his thoughts by Merlin’s expectant look. “Sorry what?”

“I said…what’s yours?”

“Oh, I’m not sure…I guess it’s…well it’s not quite a book quote but I’ve always been rather fond of it…’Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I’m not sure about the universe’”

“Who said that?”

“Einstein”

“Well it would be”

* * *

 

“Merlin! Are you ready yet?”

“I’m just coming” Merlin came clattering down the hallway” do we have to go?”

“Yes we do”

“But why, it’s not like it’s going to go well”

“Because contrary to popular belief, my father does actually take an interest in whom I am in a relationship with”

“He’s going to hate me though”

“I don’t really care to be honest.” Arthur took Merlin’s hands which were trying to fasten his top button “There’s nothing he can do to change the way I feel about you, so just be polite and don’t look him in the eye for too long”

“M’kay” Arthur let go of his hands, placed a quick kiss on his forehead and then moved away so that he could put his own shoes on.

* * *

 

“Arthur I am freaking the fuck out…what if he says something I don’t understand? What if he hates me from the off? What do I do?”

“Merlin, calm. Down. Everything will be fine”

Their hands found each other’s without knowing so as if it were some kind of magnet pulling them toward each other, not wanting to let go.

Uther Pendragon, even his name was intimidating, was sitting already at a table in the far corner of the fancy restaurant. He was aged but had a regal presence about him, his hair was thin and there were laugh lines etched deep into his skin around his eyes and yet he looked as if he hadn’t laughed or even smiled in years. Merlin took a deep breath and felt Arthur’s hand squeeze his in reassurance; he smiled ever so slightly and followed Arthur to the table.

Uther saw his son approaching and rose to his feet, his lips twitched upwards and then faltered again when he caught sight of the raven haired boy following closely behind. Arthur greeted his father, who to Merlin seemed displeased.

“Good evening father, this is Merlin” He placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder, squeezing gently. Merlin stepped forward with an outstretched hand.

“Good evening Mister Pendragon sir, Merlin Emrys. It’s a pleasure to meet you” He could feel his hand shaking and was so sure that he’d made some mistake already because it didn’t look like Uther was going to shake his hand. And then he did.

“Please, call me Uther” The man signalled to the chairs. “Do sit down”

So they sat down, Arthur talked to his father for a few minutes about God-knows-what and Merlin just stared at the menu without understanding what any of it meant. It wasn’t as if Merlin had never been to a fancy restaurant because he had. His family just preferred to eat home cooked meals because his mother was an exquisite cook. So he didn’t really pay much attention to menus and whatnot, he just looked for something that consisted of pasta and meat. _Penne Carbonara, that’ll do._  

Then Uther started talking to him and he froze for a second.

“So _Merlin,_ Arthur says you go to Cambridge as well yes?”

“I do sir”

“What do you study?”

“Architecture and Physics”

“Interesting, and have you any offers for work?” He said this as if he was expecting Merlin to be so incompetent that he’ll never get a job.

“Actually I do” He was rather proud and couldn’t help but get excited. “Once I graduate next year, I have a position at my father’s company”

“You’re sure you’ll receive the correct qualifications?”

“I think so. I’m top of my class” He said with utter delight.

“Impressive.” He glanced at Arthur who was watching the exchange like a tennis match. He gave a tiny nod that was hardly noticeable then turned back to Merlin. “And what is it that your father does?”

“He has an Architectural business; I seem to remember he built your Headquarters in the city”

“Ah yes, you must be Balinor’s son. Good man”

“I know sir”

Merlin relaxed a little, not completely, but just enough that the conversation was flowing easily and he felt a little glimmer of hope that maybe Uther approved of his and Arthur’s relationship. Wishing never hurt anybody right?

They ate their food and they talked about politics and all that trollop which Merlin didn’t give two shits about and then they were ready to go their separate ways. Uther insisted he pay, no one argued. No one _wanted_ to argue.

Just as they were leaving Arthur told Merlin to wait in the car because he needed to ask his father something alone. _Whatever could it be?_ Merlin asked himself sarcastically.

“Father!”

“Arthur”

“So, your thoughts?”

“I don’t dislike him. He’s smart, he’s from a good family and he seems incredibly fond of you”

“But”

“But I still cannot entirely approve of your relationship no matter how much I like him simply because he is _male_ ” He said the word ‘male’ with utter distaste as if it were poison. “However, I know that you shan’t give up just because of my opinion so Arthur, do what you want to do and I wish you luck”

That was when Arthur stood there gobsmacked because _had he just heard his father correctly? He just said ‘good luck’._

“Do close your mouth Arthur, it’s not nice to leave it hanging open.” Arthur shut his mouth and blinked a few times. “I’ve nothing else to say my boy, it’s not my decision who you choose to be with at the end of the day. Even if I had hoped for other things, I cannot control who you fall in love with. I am your father and I shall support you in your choices. And I may not say this often, but I do love you Arthur. I really do”

“Th-thank you father. I don’t know what to say”

“Don’t say anything then. Just promise me that you won’t mess this up.”

“I promise”

“Good now go on, he’s looking impatient.”

“Right. Yes. Good night father, I’ll see you soon”

“Good night Arthur”

* * *

 

When Arthur got into the car, Merlin looked at him expectantly. “He hates me doesn’t he”

Arthur shook his head quickly “No, he actually really rather like you”

“But he doesn’t approve”

“I’m not entirely sure but he told me not to mess it up and he said good luck”

“woah”

“I know, I’m still having a hard time grasping it”

“Well let’s just go home because I still have half an essay to write”

“tut tut Merlin Emrys, leaving your work until the last minute”

“What? Oh no, it’s not due until next week”

“You little boffin”

“You love it though” Arthur kept his eyes on the road but he smiled softly and whispered,

“Yes, I do”

* * *

 

As they walked up the stairs to the flat, Arthur enjoyed the view of Merlin’s arse in front of him. When they strode through the front door, Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hand and pulled him back into a long slow kiss. At first Merlin was surprised at the abruptness but he had got used to things like this happening after five months of being with Arthur so he melted straight into it. Merlin’s arms, as they so often did, draped around Arthur’s neck and Arthur’s hands found their way to Merlin’s hips, gripping them firmly.

“Don’t mind us, we were just watching TV but watching your brother suck face with his boyfriend is much more entertaining”

Arthur’s eyes flew open and he felt Merlin laughing, he pulled away and Merlin’s forehead settled on Arthur’s shoulder. His laughing was quiet but he was shaking and Arthur couldn’t help but join in. Once he needed to catch his breath he tried to calm himself and ask why on earth Morgana was sat on Merlin’s sofa in the middle on the night.

“Morgana, why are you here?”

“Hello to you too. I came round to see how your dinner with father went.”

“How did you know we’d be coming back here?”

“Because you don’t like the idea of Leon hearing you have loud gay sex and Mithian doesn’t give a shit”

“Oh”

“Yes. Anyway, how did it go?”

“He liked him. He said that he didn’t want me to mess this up and wished me good luck”

“Are you sure you met with our father?”

“I’m sure. Now I’d rather talk about this tomorrow when I’m not about to go and have ‘ _loud gay sex’_ with my boyfriend. So do excuse us”  Merlin’s face went crimson and he smiled awkwardly until Arthur grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bedroom. Morgana just rolled her eyes and sat back down next to Mithian who hadn’t even looked up at the conversation. She was used to it by now.

* * *

 

Sunlight washed through the window and a warm summer breeze drifted in, Arthur opened his eyes expecting to see a mass of dark hair lying on his chest. Instead he was met with Merlin sat at the foot of bed, cross legged and still naked, with a sketchbook on his knee and a pencil darting about the page and Arthur couldn’t control the lopsided grin that grew upon his face.

Merlin looked up and smiled brightly, his eyes gleaming and Arthur went to sit up but Merlin pointed his pencil at him.

“Stay still, I’m nearly finished” So he lay back down and stayed as still as he could, just staring out of the window and focusing on his breathing and the sound of the pencil making strokes on the thick paper.

“You know, you never showed me that pile of sketchbooks. I was actually kind of looking forward to that.”

“Mmm. I didn’t did I? Well maybe in the summer, when I go home, you can come with me and I’ll show them to you. If you want to I mean, you don’t have to. I won’t force you to or anything.”

“Merlin I would love to”

“Good.” He finished his last few strokes of the pencil and looked at his work. He nodded and said “finished” then went to close the book before Arthur leaped forward and plucked it out of his hands.

Arthur flicked through the book and was positively stunned by what he saw, every detail of the pictures were beautiful. When he stopped on the latest picture his breath caught and he was so utterly and completely speechless that all he could mutter was “I-I, Merlin”

“Do you not like it?”

“How can I not like it, it’s…it’s beautiful”

“That’s a bit vain don’t you think”

“You know what I mean” And he was right. The picture before him was so detailed that it looked like he had taken a photo. Merlin had captured every freckle, every eyelash, everyt _hing about Arthur’s sleeping form_. “How long did this take you?”

“A couple of hours. I woke up at about eight and you looked so peaceful. You looked so beautiful and I kind of just wanted to draw you y’know?”

Arthur just stared at him in amazement for a few seconds. The sunlight danced across Merlin’s face illuminating the tiny flecks of gold in his eyes. He leant forward and placed a dry, chaste kiss on his lips and whispering softly.  “how did I ever get so lucky”

Merlin pulled back with a gentle smile playing on his lips, his thumb grazed over Arthur’s cheek. “You didn’t. Not really. I’m nothing special Arthur. It wasn’t luck that made me fall in love with you, it was just _you_ ”

“But you are special, you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Sometimes I think it was luck, it still is really”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because from the moment I met you, I knew you’d change my life one way or another. And now I think I’m the luckiest man on the planet to have met you, to have had the chance to fall so in love with you that it physically pains me when you’re not here.”

Merlin was trying to cover his blush, looking down at his hands which were playing with the edge of the duvet cover. He tried not to smile but evidently it failed because Arthur just had that effect of him. He looked up slowly and leant forward again to capture Arthur’s lips with his and pushed him down until they were lying on the bed together, Merlin entwined their fingers and for a while they lay silently again.

Arthur’s head began to race, he became lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t been lying , not in the slightest because from the minute he set eyes upon the awkward, lanky weirdo he knew, he _felt_ that he would affect him somehow. He knew that one day that stranger would impact his life so greatly, the only thing was, he wasn’t entirely sure  _how_ yet. Now he knew though, he knew that Merlin was the one person Arthur would gladly give his life for. The one person who, for Arthur, shone brighter than any of the stars in the cosmos. Merlin could make even the rarest of jewels seem insignificant and worthless because the way he smiled, the way he laughed could brighten anyone’s day.  And when he wasn’t with Merlin, he ached, he longed for the man’s warm touch, to gaze into those sapphire eyes that to him, answered every question in the known universe.

Something like magic filled the air around them whenever they were together as if the sky and earth were singing. Even on Arthur’s worst days Merlin had the ability to make him feel better without even trying. As if just the touch, the feel of his skin or the press of his lips could light even the darkest of places. Arthur being the fool he was had long ago convinced himself that Merlin would be that one person, that one single person with whom he would spend the rest of his days and together, side by side, hand in hand they would conquer the world.

* * *

 

Before Merlin had chance to fall asleep again, he jumped up probably startling Arthur a bit and turned round. He leant over Arthur, straddling him and running his hand along the man’s bare torso. Arthur leant forward for a kiss but Merlin moved back with a laugh and patted Arthur’s chest. “Come on cabbage-head, put your boxers on and I’ll make you breakfast”

“That’s cruel…wait, _cabbage-head?_ You are terrible at insults”

“It wasn’t an insult, more of a term of endearment.”

When Merlin walked into the kitchen Mithian was sat at the table a cup of tea in one hand and her textbook in the other. She didn’t even notice that he had come in until he sneaked up behind her and all but shouted in her ear.

“Jesus”

“Nope just Merlin.”

“You’re happy this morning, where’s Prince Charming?”

“Putting on his pants”

“Wonderful”

Arthur came strolling out looking dishevelled and sporting several love-bites. Mithian didn’t care she just got up to refill her mug and nodded in Arthur’s general direction.

“Good morning Mithian”

She gave her best mock curtsey “Good morning your highness, would you care for a coffee after the night’s activities?” Merlin sniggered despite going a bit pink and Arthur just rolled his eyes.

“If you please”

Arthur went and sat down next to Merlin who had opened one of his own textbooks and started reading. As soon as Arthur sat down Merlin leaned into him. He wasn’t sure if he did it consciously or not but either way he didn’t mind. Merlin didn’t even look up but held onto Arthur’s hand like it was a life line and he needed to. They did this constantly, they were always touching and no one seemed to notice it anymore because it’s such a regular occurrence. Mithian came back with three mugs of coffee and a plate with several slices of toast.

“Here you and I made you some toast.” Merlin picked up one of the slices slathered in nutella and took a bite still focusing on his reading. Arthur watched him closely, he noticed a small blob of chocolate spread on Merlin’s lower lips that he had failed to lick off. When Merlin put the slice of toast down Arthur cupped his jaw to turn the boy’s head toward him. He inched forward and licked the chocolate off of Merlin’s lip. Merlin smiled and kissed Arthur deeply. Mithian just sat there rolling her eyes until it crossed the line.

“Not in here boys, some of us are trying to work. Keep it to the bedroom and if you do it in the bathroom at least clean up after yourselves, those stains on the shower door are not pleasant.” She stood up, picked up her books and mug and then moved to the sofa leaving behind a vermillion-faced Merlin and a cackling Arthur. 


	8. Happy Birthday You Silly Oaf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in ages, I couldn't think of anything to write, hope you enjoy the chapter.  
> Thank you so much for sticking with me.
> 
> Please review, I like reviews. Tell me what you think xxx

Merlin wasn’t a lover of hot weather to be honest. Sweating constantly, not being able to breathe because of the heavy air and humidity, not to mention hairy middle aged men walking around shirtless with their beer bellies jiggling all over the place. A lovely image, but that’s not what was bothering him most about this summer in particular. His mind was focused on the fact that this time next year he would be a qualified architect, he would be graduating from Cambridge and going on to work with his father and then maybe someday he would inherit the business. Needless to say it freaked him out a fair bit.

* * *

 

It wasn’t long past six in the morning, faint sunlight had already started to drift in and Arthur lay by Merlin’s side. A sheet draped over his bare buttocks while he rest on his stomach with one hand underneath the pillow and the other hanging off the edge of the bed, he snored softly and Merlin smiled. To Merlin this was where he felt safe, sometimes he would just look at Arthur in pure awe and ask himself if this were real or some sort of illusion. What had he done to deserve someone like Arthur?   
  
Sometimes Merlin wondered if maybe, just maybe the universe- being the bitch it was- had let Merlin fall so completely and utterly arse over tits in love with the one person that he knew was so stupendously out of his league just so when it all came crashing down, it would hurt even more. But Merlin was a massive fucking pessimist occasionally wasn’t he? Most of the time however, he was right. But let’s not dwell on that thought.

* * *

  
The summer passed as summer usually passes: it was hot, it was sweaty, it was incredibly uncomfortable, and this one differed though because this one involved hot sweaty sex and lazy afternoons in bed so it wasn’t all bad. Merlin welcomed the chilly weather when it got to October and classes and lectures etc. were back in full swing. October was one of Merlin’s favourite months. He loved the autumn leaves crunching under his boots. He loved being able to wear his scarf, he loved Halloween and carving ridiculous pumpkins and he loved waking Arthur up on his birthday with tea and toast and stack of pancakes slathered in golden syrup.   
  
Merlin padded over to the side of the bed on which Arthur’s sleeping form looked about ready to fall from, he placed the tray on the bedside table and gently began to comb through Arthur’s gold hair with his fingers. Arthur began to stir and his eyes started to flutter open. Merlin looked him in the eyes, the somewhat bleary eyes.   
  
“Morning sunshine”   
  
“uuuuuhhhh”   
  
“Happy Birthday Arthur”   
  
“Five more minutes” Merlin rolled his eyes and stood up. He walked to the foot of the bed, grabbed the covers and pulled them off of the naked man who instantly curled up in the foetal position. Merlin leaned forward and grasped Arthur’s ankle and pulled him. When Arthur was sat at the end of the bed with Merlin holding him in place, only then did he finally relent and agree to get up.   
  
As Arthur sat stark naked at the end of the bed with Merlin standing between his legs, arms on his shoulders and pressing soft kisses on his lips, he realised what the man had said.   
  
It was his birthday.   
  
Merlin pulled back and smiled at him. “I know you’d rather spend the day in bed and watch crappy films but you have a lecture at ten today and I don’t want you to miss it. But it is Friday so we can get shitfaced tonight and it won’t matter so you can forgive me for dragging you out of bed okay? Okay, now eat your toast or it’ll go soggy.”   
  
Then Arthur was left sat on the bed alone, Merlin had left the door open and he was becoming increasingly aware that his junk was hanging free and Mithian could walk past at any minute and get a good look. He lugged himself up, pulled on a pair of boxer briefs which felt tight so they were probably Merlin’s, he picked up a slice of toast and the cup of tea then shuffled out into the living room. He was met with Mithian giving him a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek after she wished him a happy birthday. Merlin sat on the sofa with a text book and a cup of coffee, without even looking up he said “You need a shower and you’ve only got an hour to get ready” 

“For?”   
  
The brunet turned round and looked over his thick framed glasses which Arthur found incredibly attractive, he raised one eyebrow and gave a disapproving glare.  
  
“Your lecture you clotpole. It starts at ten and it’s important. I’m at least ninety per cent sure I just told you this”   
  
Arthur shrugged “well it’s hard to concentrate on what people are saying when you’ve been dragged from bed and attacked with kisses so don’t blame me”   
  
Merlin rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitched into a small, amused smile and he turned back to reading his textbook. 

* * *

  
  
Eventually Arthur went to get ready and left, Merlin placed a sloppy, wet kiss on the man's lips before pushing him out of the door despite Arthur's protests. Of course the lecture was as boring as ever but he still made the effort to make notes. As soon as the relentless droning of his professor had stopped, he all but sprinted back to Merlin's flat only to find it severely lacking in gorgeous boyfriend and annoying friend.   
  
He called out Merlin’s name. Silence. He text Merlin. No reply. He tried ringing. No answer. After the fourth time, Arthur began to grow suspicious. As far as he knew, Merlin didn't have any classes for a whole week so why is he not at home? It wasn't as if Arthur expected Merlin to be present at all times. Far from it. But today was different. Today they were all going to get shitfaced and make jokes at Arthur's expense as per the usual birthday tradition. Arthur ended up falling asleep after a while and curled up on the sofa.   
  
By the time he woke up it was about three p.m. and still no sign of Merlin anywhere, neither a text nor a phone call and Arthur couldn't help but feel a little annoyed until he felt his stomach give less than pleasant growl.   
  
He grabbed some cold pizza from the fridge and walked into the bedroom only to find one of his nicer suits lain out on the bed with a note.   
  
 _'Arthur, you've probably come back to me not being here. Which means you've probably called my name, text me, rang me only to receive no answer. Then failing to walk further than the lounge, you have probably fallen asleep so by the time you actually find this you'll probably have been in for about 4 hours. Don't bother ringing me or anything okay, just be ready for 6 o'clock. And make sure you wear the tie please._  
 _Okay, see you later. Love you._  
 _Merlin xxx'_  
  
Arthur smiled to himself because wow Merlin knew him like the back of his own hand and that didn't freak him out one bit. In fact he rather liked having someone who knows him better than he knows himself. 

* * *

  
  
At six o'clock Arthur was ready, Sat on the sofa to await whatever was to come. Exactly on the dot Merlin walked in dressed in a deep blue, well fitted suit and a matching tie. His hair was as rumpled as ever but his smile lit the room, Arthur was in awe.   
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Ready."  
  
"Come on then"  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Wait and see"   
  
About twenty minutes later they pulled up to an Italian restaurant, Arthur's favourite.   
  
"Merlin, this place is expensive"   
  
"Yeah well it's your birthday. My treat. Come along."  
  
They were greeted by a perky girl with warm brown eyes and a gleaming smile. "Can I help you sir?"  
  
"Reservations for Emrys?"   
  
"Ah yes right this way"   
  
She led them to a long table where all their friends were sat. In unison they stood up and chimed "happy birthday Arthur."   
  
The meal was pleasant, Arthur got presents off his friends and cake from the chef. "Thank you, all of you"  
  
"Well it's not over yet" came Leon. "We know this isn't much of a twenty-first birthday party, so we thought we'd go to the pub and get pissed"   
  
"Sounds like a perfect plan"   
  
As they drove to the pub nearest their flat, Arthur turned to Merlin. "Am I going to get you to myself tonight?"   
  
"Oh you bet'cha. We get a few drinks in our systems and then go home and make sweet sweet birthday love"   
  
"Now that is what I like to hear... Merlin?"  
  
"mmm?"  
  
"Have you ever slept with a girl?"  
  
"Kissed, yes. Slept with, no. Why have you?"   
  
"Once."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I didn't enjoy it"  
  
"No shit."  
  
"I bet I'd attract more women than you would"  
  
"Do you want to make a bet?"   
  
"What kind of bet?"   
  
"If you manage to get a girl's number tonight, I'll suck you off" 

"You'll suck me off anyway"   
  
"Alright, I'll suck you off every day for a week"  
  
"Deal."  
  


* * *

 A girl about the same age as them comes into the pub, she's somewhat attractive, light red hair, skimpy dress and painfully high heels. Obviously meeting friends but staring directly at Arthur. Merlin couldn't help but laugh quietly at the girl trying to seem seductive but choosing the complete wrong target. But well, Merlin wouldn't say anything and told Arthur not to either. He knew it was cruel, but it's not every day you have a chance to show off your perfect-in-every-way boyfriend.   
  
She gets up and moves toward the bar where he and Arthur are standing, when she leans on the bar she's too close to Arthur and they both know it but Merlin has to chuckle at the situation. Their friends are looking on from a booth in the corner, all raised eyebrows and questioning looks. He subtly shakes his head and mouths 'don't worry' in their direction. They all nod and turn back to whatever they were previously talking about.   
  
Merlin turns his attention back to the girl who is now near enough draped over Arthur's arm. He bites back a laugh. She's talking to the barman, ordering her drinks. She smiles sweetly at Arthur and bats her eyelashes.   
  
"My name's Sofia, pleasure to meet you...?"  
  
"Arthur, and this is Merlin-" Merlin kicks him.   
  
The girl- Sofia- looks Merlin up and down and gives a forced smile. "Lovely to meet you both." She practically ignores Merlin as she's far too busy drooling over his boyfriend. So he lets her. It's hilarious really because Arthur is telling the worst jokes he can think of and Merlin knows it, yet this girl laughs almost effortlessly. She is utterly persistent but Merlin can't bash her for that because well have you seen Arthur Pendragon? He's fucking gorgeous beyond belief. He knew from the start he didn't have a chance in hell of winning the bet. That really didn't bother him.  
  
"So anyway, Arthur what brings you here on this fine evening?" Merlin rolls his eyes.   
  
"It's my birthday actually, celebrating with my friends" he gestures to the table full of laughing, drunken students.   
  
"Oh wow, well happy birthday to you" she runs her finger over his forearm and looks at him through her lashes. "Perhaps my friends and I can join you?" Merlin smiled and ran his finger up Arthur's thigh, making him squirm slightly. "I'm sure I can give you the best birthday ever."   
  
Merlin lost it.  
  
He began laughing or cackling to be exact. Sofia looked up angrily.   
  
"Is something funny  _Mer_ lin?" She sneered, one hand rested on Arthur's knee.  
  
"No no of course not, you carry on. I was just laughing at Gwaine over there y'know."   
  
"Maybe you should go back to your other friends Merlin, so that Arthur and I can talk alone?"   
  
"Oh yeah, sure, of course. Let me just get another round of drinks and I'll be out of your hair"   
  
Arthur looked at him wide eyed and pleading. Merlin ordered the drinks, took them over to the table and sat down next to Gwen. As quietly as he could he spoke. "Right you lot, I'm off to get Arthur off"   
  
"MERLIN!" Came a chorus of disgusted individuals.  
  
"Sorry" he half chuckled.   
  
Merlin walked behind Arthur, slapped his hand down on the man's shoulder. When Arthur turned his eyes lit up again.  
  
"I'm gonna go, you coming?" He said suggestively.  
  
"Yep, be right there" he gulped down the remainder of his drink and stood abruptly only stopped by Sofia's slender hand wrapping around his bicep.  
  
"Wait. Where are going?"  
  
"Home"  
  
"You're going to walk away from the chance of getting lucky, spending the night with me so you can go and what? Leave with your friend-" she glares at Merlin "-and play card games or some shit?"   
  
"Well no, my friends are staying here by the looks of it-" Sofia furrowed her eyebrows. "-I however, am leaving with my boyfriend so that we can have birthday sex until the early hours of the morning." She stood, mouth agape, utterly speechless.   
  
"Goodnight Sofia, have a nice evening!" Arthur grasped Merlin's hand and they walked away. 

When they were out of the door Arthur sighed “I feel kind of mean for leading her on like that and then throwing it in her face”

“So do I, but it’s not often I get that chance considering we’re joined at the hip so no one ever assumes we’re  _not_  a couple”

“Well you’re not wrong”

"Did she give you her number?" Arthur pulled a paper coaster out of his pocket with numbers scribbled on it. Merlin took it and threw it in a nearby bin. "You won't be needing that"

Arthur smiled and pulled the other man toward him, kissing him softly, tenderly despite being slightly intoxicated, and with half frozen lips. "Looks like I win though" he said smugly as he pulled off of Merlin's lips. 

"Oh what a shame. It seems I will have to suffer through having your dick in my mouth every day for a whole week. Oh the humanity!" 

"You put it so romantically"  
  
"Well you know me" he kissed Arthur on the nose. "Come on its freezing, let's go warm up." He uttered with a wink.

* * *

October was over, November passed by in what seemed like the blink of an eye and before anyone could say “pass the eggnog” it was Christmas once again. That was as normal as it could be with an extra amount of kissing under the mistletoe and Hunith taking as many pictures as her camera could handle. New Year came, Merlin and Arthur celebrated their one year anniversary as well as Merlin’s twenty-first birthday and Arthur moved in properly. Soon it was spring and then summer came and Merlin began to freak out about his exams.

He hardly left his room for three weeks with the exception of toilet breaks, coffee refills and mandatory revision sessions. Multiple times Arthur had to check up on him to make sure he wasn’t over exerting himself and also to ensure the man was eating and not just living off of highly caffeinated beverages.

After what seemed like forever of Merlin worrying and getting frustrated, he came out with top grades and honours.

Arthur kissed him and being the utter cliché that they were; he lifted Merlin at the hips and spun him around.  Morgana and Mithian had both graduated the year before but they were there nevertheless. Even Uther took the time out of his oh-so-busy schedule to be there for his son. Of course Hunith and Balinor were there with Freya, Hunith using the camera at every opportunity (which turned out to be every three seconds).

Freya came at Merlin in a flying hug, almost knocking him to the floor. They embraced for a long time before she pulled back and near enough squealed.

“Merls, I’m so proud of you. Well done!”

“Why thank you sister of mine”

She paused for a moment. “I have something to tell you”

“Are you pregnant?” He asked suspiciously.

Freya looked at her brother incredulously. “What? No! Of course not!”

“Good because you know I’d have to go and talk to him and make sure he marries you”

She looked positively horrified “Well thank God I’m not pregnant then”

“Anyway you were saying?”

“Right well. I was going to tell you sooner, but I wanted to tell you in person y’know?”

“Spit it out”

“I got into Manchester!”

“Freya! Well done! Oh my God well done!”

“I know it’s not as impressive as Cambridge but well”

“Freya it doesn’t matter that it’s not Cambridge, you should be proud of yourself. Good God, my little sister is going off to university!” He hugged her tightly, rocking her side to side. Arthur came over and laughed. Freya tried signalling for help but she was being squished too much to move any of her limbs. Luckily for her, unluckily for Merlin, Uther came over to request he have a word with Merlin.

He let go of his sister quickly as if he were being judged intensely, which he probably was, and followed the man not before sending a worried glance over to Arthur who was now standing to attention watching their every move.

“Merlin”

“Sir” Uther’s lips twitched upwards only for a second before returning to his usual thin line of a mouth.

“I wish to congratulate you” Merlin’s shoulders relaxed slightly.

“You do?”

“Yes I most certainly do. You received the highest grades in your class did you not? As well as honours and I must admit I am most certainly impressed”

“Th-thank you Mister Pendragon”

“I wanted to say something else as well”

 _Here it comes…_  Merlin thought.

“I can’t deny that I had hoped Arthur to marry a young woman of high esteem, who would one day be by Arthur’s side to help him run the company when I’m gone and he has inherited it.”

_Oh God._

“However”

_What?_

“I see how happy you make him. I thought he would have messed it all up by now, maybe I thought it was just a phase that he’d grow out of but no. Over the past year Arthur has become a lot more mature, he’s started to take his responsibilities seriously and has grown into a fine young man. I have you to thank for that I think Merlin. You bring out the best in my son and he loves you more than anything. You are an intelligent young man and I think perhaps I should have given you more credit because you have turned my boy's life around and I would be glad to have you as part of our family given the opportunity.”

Merlin stood dumbfounded. What was he supposed to say to  _that?_  He expected Uther to tell him  _‘the fun’s over now kids so you better break up and get on with your life so Arthur can marry a pretty young girl and have perfect little children and run the big money making company and live happily ever after’_. By no means was Merlin expecting to thanked and  _openly_ welcomed to the family.

He was pretty sure that he was going crazy.

Uther actually smiled at him. A smile on Uther Pendragon’s face was something that obviously did not happen often. Merlin was still standing wide-eyed when Arthur came over asking if everything was okay to which his father nodded, patted them both on the shoulder, congratulated them, bid them farewell and left.

Yeah, Merlin was at least 63% sure he dreamt that.

“What did he want? You looked a bit shocked”

“He uh, he congratulated me and I think…I think he asked me to marry you but I’m not certain.” Arthur blushed slightly.

“What did he say?”

“Something like you’re a fine young man, he wanted you to marry a pretty girl but it turns out I’m good for you and apparently he’d be glad to have me in the family if the chance arose”

“Well maybe in a few years we’ll see if the chance arises”

“You do know how to make a boy swoon don’t you” Merlin asked sarcastically.

Arthur shrugged “I try my love, I try”

Merlin rolled his eyes and took Arthur’s hand as they walked back over to join the rest of the party gathered around a table where Gwaine, unsurprisingly, was stuffing his face with tiny bitesize sandwiches.


	9. Cruelty At It's Finest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll just leave this here.

Five years. It had been five years and nothing, he thought maybe the surgery and chemo had worked but he knew it wasn't a cure just an extension of time but now his life had gone to shit again, the cancer was back and Merlin couldn't help but feel just a bit disappointed. Yes so he managed to graduate university with honours and he was happy with that, his parents were proud and he's been with Arthur for what, three years now. He was the most important thing in Merlin's life and all of sudden that was about to be ripped from him savagely and there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable. 

Now he was faced with the task of telling Arthur something that will potentially ruin his life and Merlin wasn’t quite ready for that, but he thought sooner rather than later would be better. Merlin didn’t exactly want to be on his death bed when Arthur found out so this was the best time to tell him. That way if he wanted to leave he could, and he can get an early start in recovering and also wouldn’t have to be there when the time comes and Merlin had to say goodbye for good.

He breathed in the crisp evening air, his head felt heavy and his eyes were sore but he pushed open the door to the pub and shuffled in spotting Arthur’s golden hair immediately.

"Arthur" he said meekly. Arthur turned round from the bar to look at Merlin, his smile faded and was replaced by concern and worry as soon he saw the other man looking utterly defeated. "Arthur I need to speak with you" 

"Merlin what's the matter?" 

"Can we go home please?" 

"Of course" 

The drive was slow and quiet. Merlin spent the entire time fiddling with the cuff of his jacket and trying to figure out how to say what needed to be said. When they got back to their house Merlin toed off his shoes and walked straight to the sofa, Arthur following suit. 

They both collapsed into the comfy cushions but Merlin didn't look up, he looked weak, paler than usual and entirely deflated and Arthur hated seeing him like this. He placed a hand on the other man’s knee and squeezed gently. Merlin looked up and flashed a watery smile and Arthur could see the tears building up in his blue eyes. 

"Merlin you're scaring me what's the matter, has something happened?" 

Merlin let out a heavy sigh. _Better get it over with_ he thought.

"I went for a scan yesterday” He said bitterly. Arthur just nodded and held his hand. ”you know mandatory check-up and when they came back they all just said 'I'm so sorry Merlin' because do you know what Arthur?" he let out a choked laugh "Not to sound like Augustus Waters but well my head lit up like a fucking Christmas tree." 

Arthur sat there stunned and he felt tears begin to gush down his face. He barely whispered "Merlin..." 

"I'm sorry Arthur" 

"Why on earth are you apologising? You have nothing to be sorry for Merlin" he grabbed the man and held him close

"I just feel like shit though. I thought that maybe just maybe after five years I was one of the percentages that the surgery worked for, that I could live out the rest of my life relatively normal. I have everything I've ever really wanted and I have you Arthur and I'm going to lose you because that's just how the universe works isn't it?

You have something good but then something has to come along and destroy that happiness. We're going to have to say goodbye and I don't want to Arthur I don't want to leave you." by now he was sobbing violently into Arthur's chest soaking through his T-shirt. "Life dare I say it Arthur, is a fucking bitch that will fuck everyone over as soon as they have something to live for." 

"I hate to ask and I know I'm not going to like the answer but Merlin..."

"Mmm?" his reply muffled through the tears and the clothing. 

“How long do you have?"

Merlin pulled himself away from Arthur's chest and wiped his cheeks and eyes; he looked sullenly at the other man and spoke softly "they say about six months if I'm lucky" 

"Okay" 

 For a while they both sat there in silence not daring to speak in case one happened to say the wrong thing. It wasn’t uncomfortable but it was just too quiet for Merlin’s liking, even if he did just give his boyfriend some devastating news but he needed to say something. So he grabbed the TV remote and leant against Arthur’s side just as he always did.

“At least your dad will be happy in all of this.” Arthur looked down; he had a slightly hurt expression on his face.

“Merlin, don't be daft, what are you talking about? Don’t say things like that.”

“Yeah but c’mon Arthur, I know he said all that about me being great and he’d welcome me to the family but he’s never _really_ adjusted to the fact you’re in love with a man.”

“Well that's his problem.”

“Yeah but now that I'm going to be out of the picture he can get you to marry whoever.”

“That's ridiculous.”

“No it's not. But I'd rather you marry someone like Mithian or Gwen because then at least you know them.

“Merlin, stop it.”

“Arthur I'm serious. Gwen and Mithian are my best friends, they know you. I mean Gwen's with Lance so it'll probably have to be Mith or even my sister, I don’t mind. But that doesn't matter because you're friends and you'll get to have children that are actually yours and Christ I just need you to be happy.”

“I don’t want to have some sort of arranged marriage with someone I don’t love, even if it is a friend and no offence but especially not your sister. And I don't want to have children if I can't raise them with you.”

“Don't Arthur. I know you want children, I can't give you that. Ever. I'm trying to give you the chance to move on with your life. I want you to be happy.”

“But I'm never going to be happy am I Merlin? Not without you.”

“Arthur I think you should leave before it happens.” 

“Why?”

“Because that way you get a head start in recovery. You can get over me being gone quicker and you can move on with your life because god knows you deserve better than this.”

“Not going to happen.” 

“Stop being so stubborn! I'm trying to save you from misery!”

“I know what you're trying to do Merlin and I appreciate it I really do, but I love you. I'm going to stay with you until the end and I'm not saying it won't hurt because it will. It'll hurt like a bitch and I'll be in hell and yeah I probably won't ever get over you and do you want the truth? I don't want to get over you Merlin because you are the best thing to ever happen to me. You made me a better person and I could not be more grateful for that. So excuse me if I want to stand by the love of my life while he embarks on the last months of _his_ life.”

“You better write something like that for my eulogy.”

“Shut up you idiot.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

So that was that then. Arthur wasn’t going anywhere and truth be told Merlin was grateful but at the same time his brain was telling him to send Arthur away. To force him away so he’s better in the long run. Merlin had no idea what this was going to do to Arthur, how it was going to affect him. How long would it take for him to get the balls to move on? Will it be a matter of weeks, months? Years maybe? What if he never moves on? Merlin didn’t want Arthur to go through life depressed and unable to move on, that wasn’t an option. He had to find someone else to love, even if it was never in the way that he loved Merlin because Merlin couldn’t stand the thought of Arthur growing old with no one around him, miserable and decaying.

It all was a bit unfair really. Merlin had accepted his fate. He was going to die in a matter of months and that was final. But Arthur would go on living and when the time came, Merlin wanted Arthur to know that he needs to move on.

It had seemed like an eternity ago that Merlin had met that smarmy rich boy with the blond hair who didn’t like him one bit and his sister, who took an instant shine to him. Somehow Merlin kind of wished he could go back to when Arthur treated him like shit. Of course he’d be affected by it all but at the end of the day Arthur only had a crush on Merlin back then, it was something he could easily get over whereas now, that was a whole other story. This was going to be one of the hardest things that Arthur was ever going to have to endure even if that did make Merlin sound a bit arrogant, but it’s true.

His parents would be devastated but they knew it would happen eventually, they all did. Dad would have to keep a brave face for mum and Freya, while mum cried and Freya shut herself away. The thought of never being able to see his parents and his sister again made him feel a bit sick.

* * *

 

He didn’t sleep at all that night. Instead he sat next to Arthur on the bed while the man slept. Truth be told, he was scared to sleep, it wasn’t just that he couldn’t. He was scared that if he closed his eyes now, he wouldn’t be able to open them again. By three in the morning, it was cold and it was raining and Merlin was tired, he was tired of staring at black walls, so he stood up and walked through the house.

Their house was lovely, they had moved to the outskirts of London so that both of them were able to get to work easily, but were still far enough away that the constant traffic and city life didn’t bother them. At this moment though Merlin missed the thrum of the city, the sound of cars whizzing by, engines humming. Hell, he even missed the police sirens. He needed something to distract him.

For the next few hours Merlin became engrossed in one of his sketchbooks. Every stroke of graphite on cartridge paper seemed like some sort of release from the mental pain he was in. He didn’t even notice when the sun started coming up and soon Arthur was behind him, combing his fingers gently through Merlin’s hair.

“Have you slept?”

Merlin shook his head and looked down at his hands now held together resting on his crossed legs.

“You need to sleep some time, I’ll ring your father and tell him you won’t be going in today”

“I’m scared to sleep Arthur” he choked out. “I’m terrified that if I close my eyes, even for a minute, I won’t be able to open them again.” He began to cry and Arthur enveloped him in his arms, holding him still and whispering soothing words.

Finally Merlin relented. When he pulled back his eyes were red and puffy. His cheeks were stained and flushed and he was shaking. Merlin held onto Arthur’s hand as if his life depended on it. Which in his case, Merlin probably felt as though it did.

“Merlin, come on. I’ll stay with you but you need to sleep” All he could do is nod absently and follow as Arthur carefully pulled him toward their bedroom.

* * *

 

The next few weeks were hard, of course they were. Merlin had to break the news to his parents and Freya. Poor, sweet Freya who was in her second year of university. She was going to be hit hard, they all were, but Freya. Well Freya had always had her big brother by her side and now she was going to have to suffer through losing him and no one could predict how she would react.

The first time she almost lost Merlin, when he first found out he had cancer she locked herself in her room for three weeks. So what would she do when she actually lost him? Merlin was terrified of telling her but he had to be strong for her. He had to protect her as much as he could. He’d get Arthur to maybe check on her every now and then after he was gone, but right now he needed to stay with his sister for as long as she needed.

Arthur was being strong for the both of them. He was doing everything he was able to do to keep Merlin from breaking down. Merlin wouldn’t admit it aloud but every time he looked at Arthur or Freya or even his parents, he felt a surge of guilt that threatened to kick him to the ground and leave him there. One day though, while Arthur was in the shower Merlin walked past the bathroom. He heard quiet sobs almost concealed behind the sound of the water raining down but it was unmistakable.

For three weeks, Merlin had been on and off going to work but he decided that he needed it. He needed the sweet release of being so caught up in the work that he loved that he forgot about his predicament. No one at the office other than his father knew about it of course. They all just thought he had the flu so he’s been bed ridden.  

* * *

It had been four and a half months since Merlin had been given the news and things weren't exactly what one would call peachy.

"STOP PUSHING EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU AWAY MERLIN!"  
  
"I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU!"   
  
" _WE_ DON'T NEED SAVING" he was breaking down, tears were welling up, stinging the backs of his eyes. "You do" he finished meekly.   
  
Merlin looked at him pitifully, there was no hostility just pity. He loved this man more than words can describe and knew that what he was saying, he was saying out of love and out of fear. He swept the tips of his fingers across Arthur's now tear soaked cheek and looked him in the eyes.   
  
"You and I both know that I can't be saved"  
  
"That doesn't mean I'm ready to give up on you"   
  
"I know that what you're saying is out of fear and determination and downright stubbornness but I don't want you to get more hurt than you already are"  
  
"What does that even mean Merlin? Because I'm going to be heartbroken either way so why don't you just let me wish for a miracle"   
  
"Because miracles don't happen Arthur! I'm going to die! You'll be left alone when I'm gone. This isn't like me going to Sydney for a month because this time I won't be coming back! I just want you to be okay, to move on with your life. Miracles...they just don't happen, they never happen Arthur please just accept that"  
  
"I got you to fall in love with me didn't I?" He gave a watery smile "I'd count that as a pretty huge miracle"   
  
"Please don't make this harder than it is. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, if you want to come you can just don't...don't make it hard." He said softly, Arthur stroked Merlin's hand that was still suspended in mid-air and kissed him on the forehead before Merlin stood up and walked to the bathroom where he cried. He sat on the floor with his back against the door and cried. If Arthur heard, he didn't say anything. After almost five months Arthur had just given up asking if Merlin was alright because the only answer he ever got was "I'm fine" even if it was painfully obvious that he was so far from fine, so he just held him tightly as if reassuring him that he was here. He was always here.   
  
Merlin jut cried and wished more than anything that miracles did happen, that he could maybe be saved. He knew that nothing could save him now. He had a month left and was determined to make it as easy as possible for Arthur, for everyone. More than once he had contemplated running, just running away. Maybe go somewhere else to die. But he knew that wasn't an option.

* * *

   
  
There had been a doctor's appointment a few weeks back where Arthur broke down, Merlin tried to calm him but Merlin just ended up having a panic attack and was hunched up on the floor holding his stomach as if his insides were being torn apart. He couldn't even remember what the appointment was about. All he remembered was shouting, blackness and then Arthur apologising profusely.   
  
"Mister Emrys, how are you feeling?"  
  
"Like crap thanks for asking"  
  
"I'm sorry that there is nothing we can do, we've tried and we'll keep trying-"   
  
"Wait wait what?" Arthur interrupted "you've tried? And you'll keep trying? Are you giving us false hope?"  
  
Merlin put his hand on Arthur's shoulder "Arthur what-"  
  
"No I'm not done Merlin." He turned back to the doctor.   
  
"Er, mister...?"  
  
"Pendragon"  
  
"Well, mister Pendragon, I'm not trying to give you false hope... His life is in God's hands now"  
  
"Bullshit"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Bullshit. Why is it that the worst things happen to the best people? You cannot tell me that his life is in God's hands because if that were true, none of this would have ever happened. He doesn't deserve this, any of it. If you give us, give _me_ hope then that is the worst thing you can give a person because it makes people believe that something good can happen. Trust me when I say that I'm praying for some sort of miracle more than anyone but when it all comes crashing down and you're left as a shell of the person you used to be because everything you dreamed of, everything you believed in is ripped away and burned. So no. Don't give me hope or some bullshit about God, give me the truth. How long has he got left?"   
  
Both Merlin and the doctor sat in shock and then Merlin started hyperventilating and everything went dark. He woke up in a hospital bed, Arthur holding his hands tightly. He had to have another scan and this time the doctors looked confused and concerned but Merlin couldn't bring himself to care.

* * *

  
  
Arthur, while Merlin was at work, had gone to see Hunith at her request. She smiled at him sadly and invited him in. He sat down and she brought over some tea and sat down opposite him.   
  
"Arthur I know this is hard for you but I want you to talk to me. As much as I don't want to think about my son dying, I want you to know that you will always be welcome here I promise you that"  
  
"Thank you Mrs Emrys"   
  
"Hunith. And don't thank me sweetheart, it's the least I can do considering how much you've done for that boy, you love each other more than anything and I know you have your sister and your friends and whatnot but just know that we're here if you ever need someone to talk to"   
  
"Thank you, thank you so much"  
  
"You're as much a part of this family as Merlin is you know"  
  
"What'll you do when he's gone?"  
  
"What can I do? I'll grieve, I'll have a hole in my heart for the rest of my life but I'll carry on because I have to. I have to carry on for my little boy." She said sadly. Arthur could see her welling up, so he went and sat next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "What about you Arthur? What will you do?"   
  
"I'll be broken but I think maybe I'll go away for a few months, you know just get away. Travel the world, visit all his favourite places"  
  
"I think that's a wonderful idea"  
  
"I had a plan y'know, I had plan that he and I were going to go around the world. I was going to make sure than Athens was last, he always said that Athens was his favourite place because the Greek architecture was stunning.” He chuckled dreamily. “I was going to ask him to marry me there"  
  
"Oh Arthur"  
  
"But I suppose that doesn't matter now."  
  
"Oh Arthur!" She hugged him tightly and he cried. He cried until his face ached but in that moment he couldn't bring himself to care that he was already so far past broken. So much so, that it was as if the shattered pieces of his entire being we're being swept away and scattered.

 

The beginnings of just a shell of a man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment thoughts please


	10. But I-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay chaps, here it is; the next chapter. I am so so sorry it's been so long but here you go.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it and please leave your thoughts xxxx
> 
> also, sorry for any mistakes xx

It felt like slow motion. Merlin ran to where Arthur lay unconscious, his head oozing with warm blood. Merlin shouted his name but to him it felt like everything had been muffled  
His hearing, his voice and his sight had been obscured by some invisible force. The only noise that he could pick up was the rapid beating of his heart in his eardrums. An acidic taste like bile filled his mouth and his palms were sweating uncontrollably. He tried shouting again, his voice cracked and he ran as fast as his weak knees could possibly take him. As he was almost falling over someone grabbed him hauling him upright but he didn't thank them, he couldn't thank them. All he could do was mumble incoherently and bat the hands away, whilst proceeding to push his way through the crowd that had quickly gathered. Forcing his way between the last few people he emerged in the centre of a circle, enclosed by onlookers. One woman had a phone to her ear talking to the operator, the driver of the van had stumbled out and was now standing next to a man who was trying to calm him down. Another man leant next to Arthur holding his head up and feeling his pulse.

Merlin couldn't breathe, he surged forward and almost landed on his knees, he could barely see through the tears. All at once he was able to hear properly again, every wisp of air had left his lungs and the man leaning over Arthur looked up with eyes full of sympathy.

Merlin found himself talking despite not quite knowing what to say. "I-is he going to be okay?"

And then the blare of sirens deafened him again.

Then he woke up crying.

With the all too real sound of ambulance sirens filling the vacant streets in the dead of night, he swept his eyes over the dark room. Panicking he jumped up and felt the side of the bed where Arthur should have been.

Empty.

Instead of calling out he just jumped into the air and ran all through the house. He almost fell down the stairs. When Merlin came to the kitchen and saw the light on he froze, every catastrophic scenario playing in his head. But pushed the door to and saw Arthur standing in front of the counter eating half a sandwich. Merlin let out a breath he didn't even realise he was holding and hurtled himself forward clinging to Arthur who wasn't quite expecting it so ended up dropping his sandwich all over the counter top.

Merlin clasped to him for a few minutes and when Arthur collected his wits he began to rub soothing circles into Merlin's back and nestled his face into the other man's hair. After a few beats of silence Arthur spoke.

"Another nightmare?"

He could only nod.

After taking in a shaky breath full of the scent of Arthur, Merlin found the strength to speak. "They're getting worse, I can't stop it. It's always someone I love getting hurt and this time...this time it was you. It was right on our door step with Jeremy the doctor across the road telling me you weren't going to make it."

"Merlin calm down its okay"

"No it's not! It's not okay, this is the second dream I've had where you died and I can't bear it if I lost you"

"Now you know how feel"

"You can't say that! You can't make me-"

"Merlin, you're trying to save everyone else because you don't think you deserve to have a miracle, you think you don't deserve to be saved and I cannot understand why that is. You're the most wonderful person I know. So these nightmares, they don't mean anything apart from your fear of losing us. But I promise you Merlin Emrys, you will never lose us, any of us."

"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"

"But the thing is, you do want to be saved. I know you do. You constantly pretend that you've accepted this when you are so far from accepting. You don't have to accept it. I won't blame you if you want to go and punch a tree or scream at geese. Please just stop hiding behind a wall of bullshit because I'm here, I'm here and I'll listen because you have every right to be angry but you don't have to cover it up because you're just going into make yourself feel worse."

"I hate it when you make those speeches"

"I know you do but you need to hear it."

"I know"

"What times your appointment?"

"Half ten"

"Come on then, let's get some sleep"

"What about your sandwich?"

"I'll clear it up later come on"

* * *

Arthur being beside him every step of the way was a comfort to Merlin in itself because without Arthur he felt as though he'd probably have given up all together and not left the sofa, just awaiting death. But Arthur, lovely, wonderful, chivalrous Arthur wouldn't allow it; he wanted Merlin to be up as much as possible until he wasn't able to walk. That may sound cruel but Merlin didn't think so, he thought it kind. Arthur wanted Merlin to live out the final few months of his life as happy as he could possibly be.

Merlin, however, could not admit to Arthur or even himself that he was aching, he was tired, he could hardly sleep, and his hair was coming out in clumps with the slightest touch. He was gauntly pale and he wasn't eating properly. Actually, he resembled his teenage self but with more sunken eyes and a thinner mop of hair. Every day was different. One day Merlin would long for the sweet release of death, to end it all and just give up pretending to be fine. Other days though, he would pine for the life he had before, when he and Arthur could lay in bed, when he could go out for a walk or a beer, when he could run around and kick the leaves up.

Constantly people would check on him and the answer was always "I feel fine, really, don't worry about me" to which no one would ever believe but they thought it best not to bother arguing. Merlin Emrys was always fine. Always, and nothing would make him intentionally worry anyone. Never would be tell anyone how he really felt, how fed up he truly was. It was his burden to bear and his alone. No one deserves to unnecessarily suffer on Merlin's behalf.

Occasionally when Arthur had to go into work, Mithian or Gwen or Morgana would come round and coddle Merlin, make him food and make sure he was alright because that's what they do. They are fiercely protective of Merlin and as soon as he looked the slightest bit pale they would make him a cup of tea, wrap a blanket around him and sit with him for as long as he needed. As much as Merlin denied to everyone how he was feeling, the girls could see it as if the words had been painting all over his skin for the world to see. Not once did they overstep their boundaries though despite their urge to get every last syllable out of him and for that Merlin was grateful.

* * *

The hours of which Merlin had been able to salvage for rest had fled too soon and his sleep was fitful. Early hours of the morning is when Merlin tended to find himself staring absentmindedly at the ceiling whilst Arthur slept. Coffee possessed nothing that could keep him properly awake anymore and sleeping pills could not coax him into a deep enough sleep. Forever, it seemed, he would be in the melancholy state between awake and asleep and he hated it. The constant urge to fall into slumber but never being able to get their because of the fear of never being able to return into consciousness.

The worst thing was that Merlin knew just how hard Arthur was taking it all. Arthur was his rock but he was also just a man. A man who, just as Merlin pretended to be fine, pretended to be the stronger one who could be relied upon to not break down. But he did. He always did and Merlin could never blame him.

Merlin heard the sobs that were muffled by the high pressure of the shower, or snuffed out by the pillow because Arthur either cried in his sleep or he let it all out when he thought Merlin was sleeping. Unfortunately Merlin heard it all. Still, he let Arthur keep up the façade because he knew that was how the man chose to cope with distressing situations. Already though, Arthur was retreating into a bubble that he was slowly creating, he still kissed Merlin, still touched him, smiled at him and still tried as hard he possibly could to console him but the walls were rising and the niceties were becoming less frequent. Arthur was scared. Of course he was scared, who wouldn't be? But what Arthur was doing was building an entire castle of hope around his very being because he was more and more petrified every minute that they drew closer to that inevitable day.

Sometimes Merlin dreamed of Arthur holding his hand for what would be the last time before Merlin was ferried away by some force while Arthur was being dragged away kicking and screaming, his nails digging into the ground, hands scraping on the floor begging for purchase so he could run back and grab Merlin. Those are the nightmares he hated most because he knew that was somehow going to be, in a way, reality. Arthur would refuse to let go because he wouldn't accept this. He would not accept losing Merlin. Eventually the walls were going to crumble into dust and he wouldn't be there to hold Arthur's hand.

It was a nightmare of substantial proportions that none of them could escape no matter how hard they tried.

Five o'clock in the morning was a time when Merlin thought it acceptable to get up but as he made the move to lift his bottom half from the bed, he felt a hand softly grasp his wrist. When he looked down he saw Arthur's blue eyes staring up at him sadly despite the small smile that displayed on his mouth. Merlin lay back down and curled himself into Arthur's warm touch. For a while they lay there silently with only the sound of their breathing to echo from the walls.

Merlin huffed out a breath onto Arthur's bare chest and felt his muscles ripple. "I know you're scared Arthur, you don't have to pretend"

"I've been saying that to you for the past few weeks"

"Yeah but I'm the one dying, I'm allowed to hide my fear, you on the other hand, are not."

"How do you figure that one?"

"Because you're shit at lying Arthur, that's how"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you really are and I don't want to argue, I just want you to know that it's okay y'know, I know this is hard for you but I don't want you to feel like you have to brave and strong for everyone. By all means if you want to you can keep the façade up in front of everyone else, but don't pretend with me okay?"

"As long as you don't pretend with me"

"Deal"

"Good, how much sleep did you get?"

"A few hours maybe"

"Better than yesterday, do you want to go back to sleep or shall we make breakfast"

"Can we have pancakes?"

"Of course we can, come on" Arthur's arms released their grasp from around Merlin and he suddenly felt cold. Both men stood up and stretched, Arthur watched as Arthur retreated into the bathroom and for a split second, everything felt normal again.

* * *

Panic washed over him as he held Arthur's hand so tightly that it was hurting both of them but somehow he could bear to let go in case he couldn't latch back on and ended up drowning in nothingness.

Hospitals were vile places, the smell of disinfectant protruding from every molecule in the air. The unforgiving stares of the dying and the mocking laughs of children who are getting their first set of stitches or the cries of those in pain and the condescending voices of the nurses; it was all enough to make Merlin feel queasy . Merlin may have spent half of his life in and out of these buildings but every time he had to come back in just felt like he was being pulled closer and quicker to death.

Every cell in his body was telling him to turn and run, to drag Arthur with him. Run away to some sunny, hot, tropical island where all their worries would dissipate under the summer sun while they sip cocktails on the beach, but fantasy was not reality. Reality was the bit-too-unfriendly nurse sat at her desk moving her stubby fingers over the keyboard like a hurricane, trying to find Merlin's details and Merlin wishing that all his files were not there and none of this was actually real. Reality was sitting in the fluorescent lighting flickering in the antiseptic room with the rubbery chairs and the heavy breathing people staring at their veiny hands forlornly whilst they twiddle their thumbs. Reality was shit.

The only possible ray of sunshine was the man sat beside Merlin, holding his hand as if he would never let go for the rest of this life and the next. The only seemingly constant good thing in the pitiful past few months.

"Merlin" He was brought out of his thoughts by Arthur's voice whispering.

"Yeah?"

"Did the doctor actually say what this is about because it wasn't scheduled was it?"

"Hm? No, he didn't. He just said it was really important and would prefer to talk to me in person than over the phone"

"So it could be good news?"

"Arthur please don't get your hopes up please"

"I won't I just…I think maybe it might be some snippet of good news"

After letting out a long sigh and giving a small smile Merlin said "Thank you"

Arthur looked at him in puzzlement. "What on earth for?"

"Just…not giving up on me"

"I'm never going to give up on you idiot, I love you too much"

"You're still a clotpole though you know"

"I am aware, thanks love"

* * *

Forty-five minutes later the doctor came out to call Merlin in and both men followed in silence, not willing to let the other's hand go.

The doctor was an older man. He was similar to Uther in age, height and build but that's as far as the similarities go between them. Where Uther had a steely glare, the doctor had a softer, more approachable manner about him. Many doctors and consultants are often frightening in their conviction and one would never wish to be near them voluntarily but this doctor, Dr Hanson, he was a consultant but he was kinder than the rest and he actually smiled and didn't look like he was about to kill you in your sleep. Merlin was downright thankful for this doctor.

Dr Hanson sat in his big swivelling chair and across from him sat Merlin and Arthur in the relatively comfy armchairs. He placed his hands on the desk and regarded at Merlin kindly.

"I am unsure of how much my colleague told you over the phone, but are you aware why I requested to see you so urgently Mister Emrys?"

"I was only told that you needed to see me and it was urgent, nothing else. Is it bad?"

"On the contrary, actually I think you'll be rather pleased"

Arthur's eyes lit up and his jaw clenched, Merlin could feel his own lungs become short of air.

"Merlin, I'm not sure how to tell you this but there was a mistake. All our own mistake and we take full responsibility and we all apologise profusely"

"Sorry, I'm completely lost now"

"Merlin, you don't have cancer"

"But I did"

"You did, but it was removed when you were eighteen"

"But I-"

"The scan you had the other month was a false positive"

Merlin was lost for words "Haven't I had other scans though?"

"You had the first one and then the one a few days ago, we had been going off of the first one which had shown your brain to be riddled with cancerous tumours and we were positive that it was right, but then you had the scan after you collapsed the other day and there was nothing. Not a single tumour"

He could not process the information, Arthur was almost on the floor crying. "So he doesn't…doesn't have cancer?" Came Arthur's choked sob.

"It would appear not"

"But h-how is that even possible?"

"Well, when he came in for the first check up the MRI machines had only just recovered from a power surge, they were safe but evidently they were giving a false positive, it happens sometimes"

"What about the weight loss and clumps of his hair falling out though?"

"That could be down to stress actually, it's common for someone to get extremely stressed out causing their hair follicles to go into a state of rest, the hair becomes brittle and will fall out when brushing, washing or simply combing fingers through it; it should grow back normally after a while. The weight loss could just be stress as well, where he's been so stressed about it all, he could just look at food and feel sick."

Merlin was finding it hard to breathe and his breathing became laboured "C-could I get a glass of water"

Dr Hanson stood quickly "I'll be right back"

Arthur was on the floor. He was crying, he was laughing and he was damn near hysterical. When Dr Hanson hurried back in with a plastic cup filled with ice cold water and passed it to Merlin, Arthur sat back up in his chair. His cheeks were pink and his eyes were puffy but the smile that plastered his face was a smile like no other. It was smile of uncompressed and total giddiness.

Merlin drank his water and just stared at the cup with a grin on his lips.

Dr Hanson cleared his throat "If you wish to take any action against the hospital, that would be completely understandable"

Merlin looked up in amazement "Why the hell would we want to take action against the hospital?"

"For the wrong diagnosis? We basically wrongly condemned you to your grave"

"Yeah but it's not your fault, and I'm fine so I-I just…thank you"

"My pleasure Mister Emrys"

* * *

Like giddy teenagers Merlin and Arthur practically sprinted to the exit. All feelings of achiness and fatigue that had been controlling his body for the past few weeks seemingly evaporated into the atmosphere as they made way outside. The air was cool and Merlin couldn't stop smiling.

Arthur grabbed him by the waist and lifted him from the ground and spun him around like every cliché you could probably imagine, and then he lowered him and kissed him softly the tears that ran down his cheeks were tears of utter joy and Merlin wasn't in any hurry to let this feeling of ecstasy wash away just yet.

"Arthur. We need to tell the others"

"We can tell them tomorrow"

"Okay"

"I fancy a burger, do you want a burger?"

"I'll go for a burger"

"Good, there's a place down the road"

Arthur had started walking in the direction of the main road "What about the car?"

"It's got another hour on the ticket; we can come back and get it"

"Okey dokey"

As they got to the main road, Arthur let go of Merlin's hand and stood, arms open, back facing the zebra crossing and he started walking backward over the road. "Merlin, this is fucking wonderful"

"I know, I'm fucking ecstatic but I'm still trying to process it all, everything kind of feels too good to be true"

"Take the victories my love"

Merlin was about to start crossing the road when everything when into slow motion.

He heard himself shout "ARTHUR!"

But the lorry came and the screams reverberated in his skull.

And this time Merlin didn't wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so, comments please and again; sorry for any mistakes


End file.
